Coping after a false accusation

[Denise]

Bless you Izzy xx

[Denise]

How you doing Izzy ? ((hugs)) xx

[Izzy]

How you doing Izzy ? ((hugs)) xx

Thanks Denise, I've had no internet the last few days, think it maybe hasn't been a bad thing as I was spending a lot of time on here - all day on bad days, have realised I must stop that.

I hope you're ok?

Izzy xxx

[Denise]

Hi Izzy

I'm not too bad today thanks, yesterday was just awful, I was so tearful, and my stomach hurt

Im upset every day but yesterday, I just thought I can't give anymore, I'm worn out and didn't know which way to turn

We still haven't been told any thing, it's ridiculous

Stay in touch Izzy xx

[Saffron]

Denise and Izzy
It's cold comfort, but what you are feeling is completely "normal"! Sometimes dwelling on your situation is not healthy and you need to take a step back. Even now, after so long I occasionally need to take a few days away from the forum.
I'm not encouraging you to stay away at all, because we all value your input. I just think that sometimes reading terribly sad stories about others sin the same situation as you isn't good for your mental health.
We will do all we can to support you. You are both strong, kind ladies. Look after yourselves and make sure you stay that way.
(((((hugs)))))

[Denise]

Thankyou Saffron

I get angry at the system and the OIC

But yesterday I even felt anger at my son, surely that's not normal, he wasn't ever friendly to his accusers and it was through my past choices of men that we're where we are now

I think I'm maybe envious of everyone who 'appears' to be coping while I'm not

I warmed to Izzy because of our situations (being mums of the accused) and I suppose looking to see how Izzy is helps me somehow

I only once browsed other parts of the forum where I read things that devastated me but I've never done it since

Xx

[Saffron]

No matter how well others appear ot be coping, they are torn apart inside, believe me. My family and friends would marvel at my "strength" when actually I was a hopelessly weepy, blubberingly incompetent, wine-glugging mess in private!

Feelings of anger are commonplace. I raged for ages at my husband - how dare me put me in this position, what was he thinking, did he realise the damage he had done....etc etc. Our relationship was very close to breaking down completely. It wasn't so much what had happened that angered me, more his general apathy about doing anything pro-active, because he genuinely and whole-heartedly believed that it would all be OK because he wasn't guilty. I found that really hard to cope with.

I can't imagine what it must be like for you, with your son accused. When my son was born I thought "well, that's it. My heart isn't in my body any more, it is now residing inside this small person". It's the strongest emotion I have ever felt and I can't even begin to put myself in your situation. I can't find the right words, sorry. I wish I could do or say something to help you both.

[fighter]

Denise, a big hug first! I think it is a matter of time; at the point you are in right now is one of the hardest as far as I can remember. One decision which is so long in coming and can change your life, your family and your son and it can make you really stressed out. It is normal to feel angry, despite them not really being at fault I guess it is one way of releasing our frustration, fear, sometimes anger is easier. Just get angry, just talk it out..it helps.

Dont be envious of others coping because as time goes by, you will build yourself up and make your own coping strategies. One thing that this situation has brought to me is I have come to know myself more and learn to deal with it (anger, frustration, weakness, fear). One day you will be much stronger than you are now; probably you are stronger than the day you first know about it.

I cannot relate to being a mom though but I always believe I think I mentioned it earlier, mums are the strongest person! :-)

Hang in there Denise!

[Izzy]

Thankyou Saffron

I get angry at the system and the OIC

But yesterday I even felt anger at my son, surely that's not normal, he wasn't ever friendly to his accusers and it was through my past choices of men that we're where we are now

I think I'm maybe envious of everyone who 'appears' to be coping while I'm not

I warmed to Izzy because of our situations (being mums of the accused) and I suppose looking to see how Izzy is helps me somehow

I only once browsed other parts of the forum where I read things that devastated me but I've never done it since

Xx

Denise, I'm so touched by your post and I feel for you so much as I know how painful this all is and It's only been several weeks for me.

I've not coped all that great, there are days I can't eat/sleep and it just churns around in my stomach.

It's hard to find someone to talk to about it all, it's why I come on here and I find comfort that other people have found the strength to get through it, am hoping I kind of find it. Am always here if you need someone to talk to

Thanks Saffron hopelessly weepy, blubberingly incompetent, wine-glugging mess in private! Thats me you described

[gem]

izzy ..denise
their is so much i would like to tell you. i have written this post several times and changed it.
my son was found guilty i have mourned his verdict for 6 months.
talked and talked to my friends and family until i know they are bloody sick of hearing me go on and on about the case.
i have been through the wringer and i have finally come out the other end.
even my doctor has been great support to me and my family this past year.
please please try not to dwell on the horror stories on here. every case is different
we were unlucky because we had a s..t defence team and so i have just found out
an alcoholic barrister .. great eh, but we have fantastic chance of appeal thanks to specialist new solicitor who cannott believe it ever went to court in the first place.
i could tell you loads more. but this is about us mums sticking by our boys who have been unjustly accused... i know this might sound stupid but since the case my husband and myself go off on a long walk and talk about the case. and it really helps .
if you have got great barristers then half the battle is won.i put all my anger into getting evidence for appeal . doing the work our solicitor should have done ..

[Denise]

No matter how well others appear ot be coping, they are torn apart inside, believe me. My family and friends would marvel at my "strength" when actually I was a hopelessly weepy, blubberingly incompetent, wine-glugging mess in private!

Feelings of anger are commonplace. I raged for ages at my husband - how dare me put me in this position, what was he thinking, did he realise the damage he had done....etc etc. Our relationship was very close to breaking down completely. It wasn't so much what had happened that angered me, more his general apathy about doing anything pro-active, because he genuinely and whole-heartedly believed that it would all be OK because he wasn't guilty. I found that really hard to cope with.

I can't imagine what it must be like for you, with your son accused. When my son was born I thought "well, that's it. My heart isn't in my body any more, it is now residing inside this small person". It's the strongest emotion I have ever felt and I can't even begin to put myself in your situation. I can't find the right words, sorry. I wish I could do or say something to help you both.

Saffron it's bad for all of us, we each have our own story to tell, each morning I wake up and just pray it was a nightmare then realisation hits me

I just never for one moment thought someone could target us so cold heatedly

I'd give anything to change the allegations to something I'd supposedly done to them
I'm older and have lived more of my life xx

[Denise]

Denise, a big hug first! I think it is a matter of time; at the point you are in right now is one of the hardest as far as I can remember. One decision which is so long in coming and can change your life, your family and your son and it can make you really stressed out. It is normal to feel angry, despite them not really being at fault I guess it is one way of releasing our frustration, fear, sometimes anger is easier. Just get angry, just talk it out..it helps.

Dont be envious of others coping because as time goes by, you will build yourself up and make your own coping strategies. One thing that this situation has brought to me is I have come to know myself more and learn to deal with it (anger, frustration, weakness, fear). One day you will be much stronger than you are now; probably you are stronger than the day you first know about it.

I cannot relate to being a mom though but I always believe I think I mentioned it earlier, mums are the strongest person! :-)

Hang in there Denise!

It's. A double blow this weekend, my son is 21 tomorrow and there's no celebrations

Son #2 text me yesterday when I got in from work saying he's worried about his brother, he's really down, so I asked him if he fancied being bored at ours instead, he jumped at the chance

Then he's dad rang, saying he's arranged to take him on his birthday tomorrow to get his puppy but told my son the puppies gone, I said you can't do that, any other birthday any other year, fine but not this one with what he's going through so hes dad told him, seeing him smile lifted me straight away but the guilt I felt for being angry yesterday overwhelmed me, it's the roads are clear tomorrow he'll get his puppy xx

[fighter]

please please try not to dwell on the horror stories on here. every case is different
we were unlucky because we had a s..t defence team

if you have got great barristers then half the battle is won

Izzy and Denise, yes I agree with Gem! When I first came into the forum, I had weeks of sleepless nights and the fear was so much, because of the realities we see in the forum and I faced the possible consequences of it going wrong. My partner was the one accused and I wonder what would happen to him, to me...how could I live without him . But as days passed by, I learned to filter the important things I need to know to cope up and make sure I have done my best in fighting this for us. We have a good defense team and we have become very proactive. So, please hang in there.. absorb what you are reading in the forum especially those that will help you and let go of things that can bring your strength down. Hugs!! And Gem, am proud of you picking yourself up and doing all you can for your son!

[fighter]

It's. A double blow this weekend, my son is 21 tomorrow and there's no celebrations

this is normal Denise, my partner has spent two birthdays without celebration because of this. The first one was his first rebail date after the day of the arrest; how cruel can that be? and the second one was few days after the Plead and Case Management Hearing in Crown court. The next one was much better though. I know we could have celebrated but we were just numbed and no energy for it. There would be more birthdays to celebrate after we settled this :-)

But I am really praying you will get that puppy for him tomorrow. I hope the roads are clear.

[Denise]

Gem

We still can only go through the duty solicitor at this stage until we know whats going on

My son and his dad swapped phones/numbers at Xmas and yesterday his dad got a call from a blocked number where a woman was asking for my son, his dad took no message and didn't ask who was calling !

My daughter stressed to him the importance of taking any kind of message

So while I'm driving home I was frantically calling her and my daughter was but no reply

I called the duty solicitor (a sweet old man ) who is on leave but had left strict instructions that he's contacted if anything develops for my son

I spoke to his assistant who was just so sweet. She said she has a son and can't imagine what we are going through

She's promised to call OIC monday morning but because of how I'm feeling will only call me if she has any news

If we get an FA I don't know where to start to look for a good solicitor that will a accept legal aid , I don't even know how I would judge that they can clear my sons name once and for all xx