scared

[skipton]

im really glad i came here yesterday.....although i do have my family.i cant talk to them about the thoughts i am having.......i dont know how to thinking about everything....it just keeps goin round and round.....

[RFLH]

it will do skipton - but each day it gets a little less and you'll start to think about other things.

What did you really enjoy doing before all this?

[skipton]

i had my own house ...
i used to enjoy diy.....
it feels like that life has died....
and it has been replaced by this worthless existence.....

[Saffron]

RFLH - great point. Skipton, try to think about what you used to so that gave you pleasure - reading, cooking, listening to music, going for a walk. Try doing one of those things (don't over-face yourself) and building your life back really gradually, step by step.

When R came home it was the little things he found tough - going out in public; having coins in his pockets; waking up without an alarm, smoking cigarettes instead of roll ups; looking at his CD collection; the telly looked massive compared to the one in his cell and it totally freaked him out; getting used to peace and quiet was a big one too.....all kinds of stuff. His PO was useless and made things worse - kept telling him that his family probably hated him for putting them through such an ordeal. I wanted to complain about her, but R insisted he just wanted to let it lie - get on the wrong side of her, and she could have sent him back inside.

We got through it by taking it a step at a time. You know how when you are carrying bags of heavy shopping, and every now and then you have to stop to rest your arms? It's like that. You will make it home eventually, but you set yourself little targets to reach for each rest. So you walk along thinking "I can make it to the next lamppost, I can make it to the next lamppost". That's what this is like. With each lamppost that goes by, you are closer to home.

You will get home eventually. It will take a while, but you will get there.

[Saffron]

Skipton, that life hasn't died, you just need to find it again.
Ask your family of there are any odd jobs they would like you to do - perhaps paint a room, put up some shelves and so on. I have loads of odd jobs that need doing! (some pipes that need to be boxed in, new felt on the shed roof, skirting boards that need to be filled and painted....the list is almost endless!)
I am not suggesting that you should ask for payment (although if they offer, all well and good) but just doing some of those things for your family will get your mind occupied and help to stop you thinking too much. And it will make you feel useful. Definitely worth a try, I reckon.

[RFLH]

ok - the past is gone - you can't change it - so you have to start building a new life.

Can you do diy for your family? Just little jobs to get you started.

Listen to music, nothing from the past - start with the charts now.

Focus on the future.

Do you know, I couldn't have written this even a month ago ...

[skipton]

i did think iwas coping quite well when i first came out......it was difficuult but i seemed to manage alot better than i am now
being out seemed so strange after such a long time and i felt vunerable when i was out in public
kept thinking everyone was looking at me
now i just dont want to see anyone at all
i just want to lock myself away in my room
its getting harder just to talk to people i know

[Saffron]

Which is why you have to start doing something now, before you slide further down this slope.
If you coped OK at first, people will assume that you are still doing OK now. So tell someone you trust that you are struggling, ask them for help. Dwelling on things is not going to change anything. It's terribly hard to pull yourself up once you have become so down, but it can be done. Look at RFLH - she has already told you how desperately low she was feeling, and now she is here, offering sage advice to us motley crew.
A few weeks can make a huge difference. Do something that gives you a sense of satisfaction - I reckon the DIY for friends and family will be very much appreciated and will give you a huge sense of worth.

Hugs

[RFLH]

start small, thank people in shops, smile at people - they may look at you as if you're made, but you'll get a smile back from most people.

Try asking at local kennels if you can walk rescue dogs.

It's a start.

[LS]

Skipton, if the diy was because you wanted to do something with your hands - but can't because of where you are - then try something small like model kits for example. It's the creativity that is stifled, which is what caused me so much angst by being forced to keep off a pc. Jigsaws, model kits, anything which keeps your mind focused and your hands busy. If you're into it, a cheap Playstation 2 can be had for about £25 and a cheap game can be enough to keep occupied. I don't know how old you are or if you're even into these things, but it's keeping the mind occupied and off the anxieties, while keeping your hands busy.

[LS]

smile at people

I've often wondered why I get complete strangers grinning inanely at me in the street. Now I know why......

[skipton]

to rflh and saffron

im overwhelmed by both of your kind words.....
i didnt realise there were people out there who would understand...
if im honest i dont feel much better inside but listening to both of you maybe i will have to feel worst before i feel better......
i havnt got the confidence to go and do diy for anyone.....
i had to build myself up just to walk up the road this morning......
i nearly didnt go.......
i keep getting a feeling of dread about everything.....
like you say little steps....

[Saffron]

R tells me off for smiling at random people...To be fair, I do tend to attract nutters - the sort who will start talking to you about how the world is about to end while you are trying to read a book on the train... He calls me a weirdo magnet...which speaks volumes for him!

But seriously Skipton, of course we understand. And you made it out of the house today - kudos to you! Yes, it is a baby step, but you did it today, so you know that you can do it tomorrow. The feelings of dread are normal. R still gets them now, 6 years on. Every time his boss says "Can I have a word?" his heart sinks. He called me recently in a panic - his boss had asked for a "private chat"...and of course R assumed the worst - that his "offence" had been outed, and that he was going to be sacked. But actually it was to congratulate him on doing a good job.

You know, you are sounding a little happier already. The nature of what you have been through means that you will always be a little guarded with people you don't know. But life goes on, and you will make it to the lamppost.

[LS]

Try asking at local kennels if you can walk rescue dogs.

I don't mean to pick holes RFLH, but probation usually have to vet any voluntary work and this one may be a non-starter, as they usually think the worst and would think he's trying to get close to the kennel maids, and it's impossible to convince probation you've got honourable intentions. For want of a pun, they could say you were Grooming, and not the hairy type either.

Personally I wouldn't want to give them any excuse to refuse.

[RFLH]

that's true - though those I've ever been in contact with are barking old biddies!!

Ask probation of a list of voluntary places you can go - they should be able to help or refer you on to agencies that can.

saffron - I shall refrain from saying anything!

skipton - you forced yourself to go up the road today, well done on that, its a wonderful start, you'll soon be able to go a bit further.

This place is brilliant to use as a sounding board and for getting tips and advice, use us often!