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**diana_holbourn** · 31 January 2005, 12:42 PM

Hopefully she will have just said it in the heat of the moment and thought better of it when she cooled down. The longer it goes on without anything happening, the less likely it is that she will go to the police, I imagine. It might be best to try conciliating with her. Kind words can really take the heat out of a situation. If you think of everything you said in the argument or any of your behaviour that was unwise and apologise to her for it, it might pacify her. She might have been to blame to a large extent, but the argument couldn't have escalated the way it did without fault on both parts. You may still be angry with her about the other things she said in the argument, but if you take the first steps to apologise, she might as well. You could point out things you both did wrong and say you shouldn't have done them, like raising your voices. She might agree. And you could ask her to email you if she's still unhappy with your behaviour. That way, it avoids another face-to-face confrontation and it allows her to get any frustrations she still has out of her system instead of bottling them up, staying angry and doing something stupid. It also means that if she threatens you again, she'll do it in writing and you can discuss her motives for wanting to accuse you with her, so if she goes on and does it, you could give copies of the emails to the police.

**maria** · 31 January 2005, 04:53 PM

dear very scared what diane as said is what i would have said as well, the less you antagnise her or upset her the more unlikely she will carry her threat out but the best way to deal with this situation is by getting her threat put in writing that way you will have proof of what she is threatening to do keep us updated and let us no how you are take care x

**VeryScared** · 1 February 2005, 11:11 AM

I have tried now to get something in writing, but she knows what I am doing I think. She will not write anything in an email, when I tried calling she didnt answer. Ive not slept in 3 days now, I lie down and just have panic attacks.

Going to court is a concern, but I am more fraid of losing my fiancee who I love so very much. She was abused herself by a stepfather and so even an accusation from this person could cause problems, and I can't even imagine what I would do if convicted. If I was convicted for something as foul as this that I didnt do, and lost my fiancee as well, I could't handle it, I just couldn't. What can I Do to help myself now? My life has been a complete misery since this happened.

I did tease her a lot when we were younger, admittedly that was wrong, but this hatred goes too far. My family is quite widespread so we never got a proper family bond as I spent a lot of my life in different countries. I can't understand how a person can do this.. and by blocking me out I feel helpless.

**diana_holbourn** · 1 February 2005, 12:14 PM

Perhaps before you do anything else, you need to do some relaxation exercises to calm you down. When people are feeling panicky, they can't think straight because the emotional side of their brain is in control and blocking the intelligent part from functioning properly. It does this because it's programmed to think it's in danger in such circumstances. The function would have been important in the old days when snap decisions might have been what was needed to escape a predator and it was important not to spend time thinking through the best ways to solve problems or you'd be dead by the time you'd finished. But in modern Western society, it's usually far more useful to have the intelligent part of the brain fully functional so you have a greater ability to think through your problems yourself. You can achieve this by doing relaxation exercises which will make the emergency signals subside so the intelligent part of the brain can take control again. That way, you'll feel calmer so you can sleep better, and feeling refreshed in the morning will also help you solve your problems. Try taking long slow breaths, breathing to the count of seven and out to the count of eleven. If you find it difficult, do shorter ones. But do that for several minutes, perhaps breathing in through your nose and breathing out through your mouth, focusing your mind on your breathing, and that should calm you down quite a lot. Breathing into a paper bag for a while can also help, because your body needs a certain amount of carbon dioxide in it and when you have a panic attack, you breathe more and faster so you breathe too much of it out, and that can worsen symptoms like breathlessness or light-headedness. So taking a dozen breaths from a paper bag every now and then will help you breathe some of it in again.

If there's more to the reason she wants to make a false accusation against you than just anger over the argument, you could write her quite a long letter that not only apologises for your part in the argument, but also for other things you did when you were younger. You could say you don't like this hatred between you and you'd like to mend the friendship. You might be able to make it quite moving. And perhaps you could send a little gift with it like a small box of chocolates or something. The problem would be if she was cynical and suspected you were just doing it to save yourself. Then she might make the accusation just to spite you. I think it's a risk you'll have to take, but the more sincere you sound, the less I think it's likely to happen. So if you don't feel sincere about wanting to make up with her, it might be best not to try. I'd advise you not to criticize her too much at this stage, and don't mention the accusation, or she might think you're only trying to save yourself. Mentioning it might also remind her of it if it's gone to the back of her mind.

If she has a mental disorder and she's known to psychiatric services, you might be in a better position if she does make the accusation, because you could contact them and tell them of the false accusation and ask if they could interview her about her motives for making it. I have a mentally ill neighbour who made a false accusation against my sister. Nothing serious happened. The psychiatric services were contacted and they spoke to him and concluded he had a problem with attention seeking behaviour and he'd made the accusation because he was feeling anxious because he didn't think he was getting enough attention and thought it would be a way to get more! The police immediately dropped the matter.

**VeryScared** · 1 February 2005, 01:18 PM

I do appreciate the advice. Yes, I feel very panicky, constantly. I go through stages, at one point I think "theres no way she would do this as the repurcussions are astronimical when compared to the cause."

Other times I just read up website after website, initially looking for support or a glimmer of hope, to see the same thing over and over: Innocents get sent to jail OFTEN. What if she has let it drop but wont ever contact me to say (currently I am totally cut off from talking to her)? I don't want to spend my life worrying that "could this be the day she reports it".

This is a situation I just can't see a way out of. I'm NOT suicidal. I love my family and friends far too much. I AM living in misery though, with this threat over my head though. Being that I cannot contact her now (do not know the address, my emails go unanswered and i believe are blocked) is there anything else i could possibly do?

I did not tell me fiancee yet, thats my single greatest fear. I'm hoping this will just all go away like a bad dream, that I won't get the knock at my door from the police.

**Saffron** · 1 February 2005, 01:37 PM

Dear Very Scared

Having read your story, I am horrified at the threat this woman is holding over you. I do not know where it would stand legally, but have you thought about going to the police and telling them that she has threatened you like this? I am not trained legally, and therefore do not know whether this would be a good idea, but surely what she is doing is threatening behaviour or harrassment of some sort.

You know her better than i do, obviously, and you will know what the chances are of reconciling with her. I would say that reconciliation is the best course of action, like Diana says, but if this is looking unlikely you need to protect yourself as best you can. I don't want to scare you, but the police can still press charges even if there is no forensic evidence to support her claim. False allegations and wrongful convictions are far more common than most people might think, as you can see when you read the stories of others elsewhere on this forum.

If I were in your situation I would seriously take some legal advice from a specialist solicitor. Like I say, I do not want to scare you, but please do everything you can to protect yourself. Don't assume that it will just go away. In my husbands case he ended up serving a prison sentence for an indecent assault he didn't commit.

good luck,

Saffron

**diana_holbourn** · 1 February 2005, 01:57 PM

Perhaps you could find out her address. If you know her surname and her phone number and the town she lives in, maybe you could look at the appropriate surnames in a telephone directory till you matched one up with the correct phone number?

Or do you have a mutual friend or an acquaintance who's a friend of hers or a family member who you could mediate with her through? You could tell them you regret having teased her when you were young and arguing with her the other day and how you're upset that it happened and would like to be on good terms with her, and they could pass it on to her and then tell you what she said?

On the Internet, you're most likely to hear the worst stories, because the people who've suffered most will probably be the people who want to talk about it most. So anyone who was falsely accused only for the charge to be dropped in the early stages probably won't want to make a big issue of it so you might not hear so much from people like that, although it's possible they're in the majority. So don't give up hope. The vast majority of rape accusations don't make it as far as court anyway.

And as I said, people usually make false accusations in the heat of an emotion, so the longer it's left, the more likely it is that she'll have cooled down, and I imagine the less likely it is that she'll make the accusation.

Perhaps you ought to explain everything that happened to your fiancee, because it'll have less of an impact on her than it will if the police do come and arrest you and so she thinks they're taking it seriously and has limited contact with you so you have less of a chance to explain yourself. If she can see how distressed you are by the accusation and can understand the background of bad feeling that led up to it and you tell her you'd be prepared to take a polygraph test, hopefully she'll understand.

**VeryScared** · 1 February 2005, 02:27 PM

I do think I need to discuss this with my Fiancee. I will try and discuss it with her. Its been i think 5 or 6 days now since the threat was made, but its very hard to keep track of what day it is as i have barely slept at all (maybe an hour a day)

As for an address, I could get one. I could ask my father as im sure he would know it. My fear is that if she is so truly angry with me, I don't want contact with her to anger her more and push her into actually making this accusation. From the nature of the argument, I dont think reconcilliation is an option for any time in the near future.

After going through in my head the only times we would have been alone would have been SEVERAL years ago, like,6 or so? which would put her at a very young age. NEVER were we alone in the house that I can recall, maybe in a seperate room watching TV.

I felt better realising this, but then I was with her family, so my only evidence would be to have THEM give this as evidence and I am sure they would be so upset as to just try and get me thrown into jail as long as possible.. I also now worry about molestation charges. Rape at that age would have left marks, or scars, but molestation would be utterly impossible to disprove. Its a never ending spiral. I see a ray of hope, just to have it shattered.

Im living in london and contacted a society that deals with "historical rapes" (rapes commited years in the past leaving no physical evidence, thought im sure most of you know this)I hope they can give advice as this is where my main problem would be. If she accused me of raping her today I am sure I could prove my whereabouts to have been no where near her.

I dont want to go to jail and live with people who have actually done this, it sickens me and this and the stress has made me physically ill in the past few days.

**diana_holbourn** · 1 February 2005, 04:40 PM

Perhaps the most important thing you can do at the moment is to start looking after your health. This whole thing's going to wear you down far more than it will if you can get some sleep and relax.

Here's an interesting website with some tips for relaxation that include relaxing in order to get to sleep: Simple relaxation.
It's a student counselling site, but most of the information will apply to anyone.

Perhaps you ought to go to your local citizens' advice bureau. They might be able to advise on a good solicitor to get legal advice from about this.

Do you know someone who would be willing to go and see her with a hidden tape recorder and tell her you told them about the threat and see what she says?

**VeryScared** · 1 February 2005, 04:44 PM

there is no one i know who would do that, I cant think of a way of coaxing a confession out of her right now. I definately do need to sleep. Im sure my head will be a lot clearer.

Thank you so much for your advice so far, its been a ray of hope to me.

**Ashley** · 1 February 2005, 04:57 PM

Hello Very Scared,

I can whooly appreciate how very, very scared you are. If I can throw in my little bit of advice.

I would not dream of going to the police in the first instance. That could lead to starting an investigation that may never arise.

Instead I would go to a solicitor and have every piece of your account logged, including what you have done since the malicious threat. I would also bag every item of clothing you were wearing to show, if need be, you have not tryed in any way to destroy forensic evidence.

I would keep a detailed diary of all my movements.

I would be doing everything I could think of to demonstrate that you are the truth teller.

And I just hope that this is all just a lot of hot air.

**diana_holbourn** · 1 February 2005, 05:28 PM

There's an email list you could try asking advice from: A-Team.org - The False Accusations Email List for those wrongly accused. I'm not sure how relevant the advice will be to you, because I think they're based in America; and I don't know how good their advice is or whether you can get much of it free, but it's probably worth investigating. Also, most of the people on it will probably have had charges brought against them already or may have served prison sentences; but don't be disheartened by that, because anyone whose case was dropped before it got very far won't be having problems any more so they probably won't be on the list.

Guest_VeryScared_* · 3 February 2005, 10:52 PM

Thank you all so much for your support. I have contacted FASO and they so far have been very helpful.

As far as forensic evidence goes, I have not seen this person in quite a long time. Thee would be no evidence of that nature. What scares me the most is that it would be possible to lose a trial without any evidence brought against me as there can not BE any evidence!

I will keep ou informed as to what happens I am clinging to the hope that this was an idle threat made in anger. I still suffer from insomnia, as when I try to sleep all I can think of is what would happen if she did run to the polie with her story.

I have been deeply saddened though to see the sheer ease with which someones life can be so utterly turned upside down. I never in a million years expected top be considering a rape charge, its something I was totally not equiped to deal with mentally.

Regardless, life goes on. I will do my best to sort out this mess. I have been told by a solicitor to have no contact with this person and I have a witness that the day before the accusation was made, this same person sent me a lot of messages on msn messenger because they came online and I didnt say "hi" fast enough. This is not the behaviour of a person who was raped by the same person they are contacting..

I have been sickened by this. Rape is vile and disgusting and my heart goes out to any woman who has been in such a situation. I just wish the false accusations would also get more than the almost nil notoriety they are getting now.

**diana_holbourn** · 4 February 2005, 04:39 PM

I think you may be able to draw hope from the fact that the day before the argument, she was actually keen to speak to you. This doesn't sound like the action of someone holding a longstanding serious hatred/grudge. Looking back on her past actions, does she have a vengeful nature? Or has she made threats before that she hasn't carried out?

You should try to stop worry from giving you sleeping problems - if you're just spending time scaring yourself with "What if's" without coming to any solution about what to do, the worry's just damaging you for no reason. You could try re-focusing your mind. See if this works: It might be an unpleasant thing to think of, but imagine you've only got ten more days of freedom and then that'll be it. Hopefully that's very unlikely to happen, but imagine you've only got that long. What would you most like to spend the time doing? If you spend it feeling upset, you'll just waste it and then regret it later. How can you make it as worthwhile as you can? Is there anyone you'd like to say anything to before you go - anyone you love and you'd like them to hear about it before you leave? Is there anyone you'd like to praise or tell how much you've appreciated them over the years? Anyone who'd love to know what you valued about them? Is there anything you've always dreamed of achieving that you could achieve in a short time? Is there any favourite hobby or activity you've always thought you'd like to do but never made the time for before because you didn't think it was important? Is there any little thing you'd like to do for someone in need of a bit of help that you've never quite got around to doing before? I'd advise you to spend as much time as you can usefully spend planning for what to do if she makes the accusation, but if your mind's just drifting into unproductive worrying, try to stop it, and instead, plan all the things you'd do if you knew you only had a short time left, and then go for them as far as possible!

Exercise might also help relieve your tension and help you sleep better.

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