I need suggestions on depressed husband

[Unregistered]

We have been married for 7 yrs. He is honestly a good man. He is my best friend and the only person I have ever felt truely safe with. BUT.... He slips into these strong depressions and gets so spiteful and self destructive. When he goes into one, he picks one person out to catch his wrath. ( only verbal never physical) Usually that person is me. No matter what I do during that time it is not only wrong, but unforgivable. I have 3 daughters from my first marriage and we have to walk on egg shells to prevent getting our heads chopped off. He gets something in his head and there is no way you can convince him otherwise regaurdless of what proof you bring to the table. For example. I work at chemcal plant and work shift work, he will swear I am seeing someone there. I have never cheated on him. His ex wife did repeatedly so i am paying for her crimes. He refuses to get any help because "nothing is wrong with him" When he comes out of this depression he is so appologetic and claims he don't know why I stay with a man that treats me so bad. I do love him, but know how many times I can ride in this rodeo anymore. I am getting worn out. Any suggestion would be appriciated.
Thanx

[london]

I would suggest, when hes in a calm state, tell him what youve just typed inhere (not that you posted in here but how you feel)

Then say to him....look, why do we argue? Wouldnt it be nice to just say during the start of one STOP, give eachother a cuddle and maybe spend some time together (not sex just time) even if its just sitting down and watching some tv/go for a walk...
I find that when and if i feel a mood coming on, to stop and think about whats going to happen and what might happen, i.e split up/devorce whatever....is it really worth it and low and behold, a few mintues later its all forgotten about...

Thats what i do..

Its abit like violence right
Some people see red in violence and dont think and just use whatever they can and then suffer
i see a bottle as 5 years
Knife as life
Gun as life
A metal bar 5 years

Youre all probably thinking lol shut up london lol
Each to their own

[frankgallagherwasere]

London I agree comopletely face the problem head on and challenge him. If he isnt happy why? Work, money, sex, football team doing badly or is he just bored. Remember 7 year itch, its true I know as Ive been there, at 7 years one starts to question is this right and what I want for ever. Also remember some are not devoted as you, some dont even understand what a true relationship is all about to be honest - hense the high level of diverse in the UK.

It does sound like he does have a problem somewhere and because your the one there at the time, you get the agro.

Tell him to grow up

[Rights Fighter]

It does sound like he does have a problem somewhere and because your the one there at the time, you get the agro.

Tell him to grow up

Oi FG that's a bit like the kettle calling the pot black a*se!!!

[frankgallagherwasere]

I know RF thats very true but there has to be an underlying issue somewhere thats troubling the poor lad. Not only that one has to be realistic and not want the situation to deteriorate further cos who knows where it might end or what happen.

Im not saying he is of a violent personally nature , but what can start as simply name calling can and sometimes does lead to more serious confrontational issues with some people. All it takes is for a spark and you end up with fireworks and no-one wants that, atleast not when you had the chance of putting a stop to it before it gets the chance to escilate

Nip it in the butt !!

[Rights Fighter]

I'll nip you in the butt if you ain't careful!

Can I suggest you sort yourself out before you start advising others? If you want to rant go to Angry Harry site!

[webmoo]

Ok, Frank and RF - Enough now.

OP - Good luck.

[witsend]

Strange question? has he been to see GP, there may be some underlying medical condition. Obviously the fact that previous wife cheated does not help, have you thought of relationship counseling? I suppose at the end of the day you have to ask yourself a question, how much do you love this man? and are you prepared to put up with much more?

[failedwife]

Need suggestions too

This is perhaps a pretty old thread and no one visits by now...but I just would like to try too. I have a husband who has been depressed for the past 3.5years. We got married about 3yrs ago...and I had a vague idea about his problem though no one clearly talked about this (either him or his family).

Some 4 years in to this relationship, I feel so worn out and tired. It has become so one-sided. Firstly, he does not work... but spends all the time with his laptop. He talks to me. But when he talk, its always about him, his work (or the lack of it), his interests, his frustrations, his depression, his feelings etc. He never responds when I talk sometIhing else..........about our future life, kids etc for example.

We have been living seperately for almost an year now, though I speak to him one phone everyday. I had to leave the country and stay alone in a foreign country...amongst foreign language speakers... to overcome the lack of enthusiasm i felt for life. He came to visit me and its still the same old him. Either the world is full of his thoughts and his problems...or there is nobody to listen to him.

I am going mad. I feel so lonely now, with him..than I was without him in all these months..in a foreign land. Can someone suggest something???

[Rights Fighter]

I do not see you as a "failed wife" as you seem to have tried to help and understand him for some time.

If this was me I would have walked long ago. Some people are self-obsessed and like to wallow. He sounds like one of those people.

[failedwife]

Dear Rights Fighter,
I think he needs help. He does go to a behavioral therapy treatment regularly...but,in my view, he is not working hard enough to change. I don't know how to convey that to him. I do tell him, but he snap at me saying that I dont know anything.

I still love him...and he too seems to love me..when he is in a better mood.

I am looking for suggestions on how to handle the situation. Since I am in a different country on work and the assignment will last for 2 more years, I wonder if its possible to maintain a long distant relationship with a person like this, in a troubled marriage.

Parents on both sides are extremely unsupportive. My parents expect me to divorce and his parents expect me to tolerate silently without complaints...and not expect him to get better (in the Indian "karma" style). I don't want both.

[Rights Fighter]

Dear Rights Fighter,
I think he needs help. He does go to a behavioral therapy treatment regularly...but,in my view, he is not working hard enough to change. I don't know how to convey that to him. I do tell him, but he snap at me saying that I dont know anything.

I still love him...and he too seems to love me..when he is in a better mood.

I am looking for suggestions on how to handle the situation. Since I am in a different country on work and the assignment will last for 2 more years, I wonder if its possible to maintain a long distant relationship with a person like this, in a troubled marriage.

Parents on both sides are extremely unsupportive. My parents expect me to divorce and his parents expect me to tolerate silently without complaints...and not expect him to get better (in the Indian "karma" style). I don't want both.

He is choosing not to work at it. It is so sad that your own parents are not supportive.

Do you really love him or is this guilt at feeling you might leave?

[failedwife]

He is choosing not to work at it. It is so sad that your own parents are not supportive.

Do you really love him or is this guilt at feeling you might leave?

No. I believe that I love him. This was the reason why I was fine with his visiting me. I was missing him a lot. Though he did not clearly communicate it to me....he was also missing me. But then, i am unable to take that indifference and self centeredness in his behavior. It might be a part of his depression...but I am finding everything so one-sided. I feel as if I've aged by some 5 years in just two weeks (its been two weeks since he came)...

So, it would be great if someone can tell me how to handle him....

I feel guilty too...because I now feel that if I did not leave him 10months back, situation might have been better....

[RFLH]

post on this forum http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships you'll get far more help from the people there as more use it. They shoot from the hip, but you'll get good advice.