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Hello to everyone. I never thought I'd have to ask for advice in a forum.
Anyway, here goes (apologies if this is long-winded).
I am 52 years old. My husband is 54. We have been together 9 years, married for almost 5. We were once very happy. This despite my son from a previous marriage having kidney failure at the age of 15. He was on dialysis until 3 weeks ago when he got the wonderful gift of a kidney from my brother. He's 22 now.
In 2004 my husband suffered a major heart attack. He was, and still is, grossly overweight. We married a few months after this. He too had been married before but had split from his wife long before I met him. She was an alcoholic. We were friends for a long time before romance blossomed. I didn't particularly want to get married, having been down that path before but, on hindsight emotions at that time were running high and we got married. Since then things have gradually deteriorated. My husband and son have been at constant loggerheads all these years with me piggy in the middle, trying to save the peace between both of them.
Often it is my husband who starts the trouble. He'll pick on my son for no reason, calling him lazy. My son has been very ill for a long time. People with kidney failure have little energy and tire very easily. Despite this my son did light chores around the house, like feeding the cats, loading the dishwasher etc.
Over the past two years my husband and I have grown further apart. Ever since we had a row one night over my son. It was one of these situations where I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. My husband yelled at me that he only accepted the unwanted baggage (my son) to make sure he got me. Any love I felt for him died there and then. I have tried very hard to rekindle what I used to feel for him but to no avail. I really do not like the man, let alone anything else.
I'm fed up putting on an act and pretending everything's alright when it's not.
Today was the final straw as far as I'm concerned. This time it was nothing to do with my son. My husband is very lazy around the house, except for cooking. He is a very good cook, I'll give him that. My brother is staying with us at the moment because of the transplant. He normally lives over 500 miles away. I've worked for a year with only 1 day off. We closed on the 19th Dec. Since then I haven't had a day when I haven't been tidying up the house. I have had barely any time for myself. My husband has taken many days off work this year and just sat on his backside and not even taken the vacuum over the floor.
We have a very small house (council) and very little cupboard space. To cut a long story short, he went out for a short time this morning and when he came back dumped a load of his washing on me. I don't mean a normal load, but two black binbags full. This on top of everything else. He leaves things lying behind him all the time. I'm sick of picking up his dirty shirts etc. from the living room, bathroom, hallway, under the bed, but most of all I'm sick of his continual moaning and picking fights. He's even started making snide comments in front of our friends (which didn't go unnoticed).
Today I snapped. I hit him. Not hard, only a slap on the chest. That sent him into a rage. He ran to the phone screaming like a madman that he was going to have me arrested and jailed. He is 6ft tall and 22 stone. I am 5ft tall and 6 1/2 stone. My poor brother who is still recovering from donating his kidney had to hear all this. My husband is yelling that I haven't done a thing in the house, that I've sat round doing nothing. He accuses me of spending all the money. I don't go out, I don't drink (although I do smoke). All I do is work, sleep, work. I have a very low wage. Due to the nature of his job (commission based) he often has an extremely low take-home wage so it's often left to me to pay the rent (£80) Council Tax (£20) and buy groceries. My take home pay is £140 a week.
I want to leave him but can't. We have several pets that I could never leave but little money so I can't leave him and take them with me. My son is still recovering after his operation (beginning December) so there's no financial help there.
The job I have is part-time and pays very little. I'm really too old to get a mortgage to buy somewhere of my own and with the current economic crisis I wouldn't get a mortgage anyway.
I really am between a wall and a hard place.
Does anyone know where I legally stand as regards the house (a council rented house) which is in joint names (council policy all houses are in joint names) and how long it would take for a divorce (English Law).
I also discovered last week that my husband has been subscribing to a porn site - this when we're struggling to survive financially. He says his card has been cloned but having a look at this particular site which has very secure entry, I don't believe him for one minute.
During today's row, I threw back at him that his son and daughter never get in contact with him. He fired back that they "Can't stand the sight of me", which is totally untrue. I shot back at him that he's got a mobile phone, so if they despise me so much, how come they never phone his mobile!
The sad part is once we were very happy together. Now I dread him coming home from work.
I think I understand now why his previous wife started drinking and became an alcoholic. If she suffered the same mental cruelty that he's inflicting on me, then little wonder. The difference between her and me is I don't like alcohol and I like to think I'm made of stronger stuff. I am trying so hard not to succumb to this but it's getting harder and harder. I want him out of our house and out of my life.
How on earth do I do this?
If I'm coming across as being selfish, then I apologise but any advice would be very gratefully appreciated.
Thank you for listening.
Anyway, here goes (apologies if this is long-winded).
I am 52 years old. My husband is 54. We have been together 9 years, married for almost 5. We were once very happy. This despite my son from a previous marriage having kidney failure at the age of 15. He was on dialysis until 3 weeks ago when he got the wonderful gift of a kidney from my brother. He's 22 now.
In 2004 my husband suffered a major heart attack. He was, and still is, grossly overweight. We married a few months after this. He too had been married before but had split from his wife long before I met him. She was an alcoholic. We were friends for a long time before romance blossomed. I didn't particularly want to get married, having been down that path before but, on hindsight emotions at that time were running high and we got married. Since then things have gradually deteriorated. My husband and son have been at constant loggerheads all these years with me piggy in the middle, trying to save the peace between both of them.
Often it is my husband who starts the trouble. He'll pick on my son for no reason, calling him lazy. My son has been very ill for a long time. People with kidney failure have little energy and tire very easily. Despite this my son did light chores around the house, like feeding the cats, loading the dishwasher etc.
Over the past two years my husband and I have grown further apart. Ever since we had a row one night over my son. It was one of these situations where I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. My husband yelled at me that he only accepted the unwanted baggage (my son) to make sure he got me. Any love I felt for him died there and then. I have tried very hard to rekindle what I used to feel for him but to no avail. I really do not like the man, let alone anything else.
I'm fed up putting on an act and pretending everything's alright when it's not.
Today was the final straw as far as I'm concerned. This time it was nothing to do with my son. My husband is very lazy around the house, except for cooking. He is a very good cook, I'll give him that. My brother is staying with us at the moment because of the transplant. He normally lives over 500 miles away. I've worked for a year with only 1 day off. We closed on the 19th Dec. Since then I haven't had a day when I haven't been tidying up the house. I have had barely any time for myself. My husband has taken many days off work this year and just sat on his backside and not even taken the vacuum over the floor.
We have a very small house (council) and very little cupboard space. To cut a long story short, he went out for a short time this morning and when he came back dumped a load of his washing on me. I don't mean a normal load, but two black binbags full. This on top of everything else. He leaves things lying behind him all the time. I'm sick of picking up his dirty shirts etc. from the living room, bathroom, hallway, under the bed, but most of all I'm sick of his continual moaning and picking fights. He's even started making snide comments in front of our friends (which didn't go unnoticed).
Today I snapped. I hit him. Not hard, only a slap on the chest. That sent him into a rage. He ran to the phone screaming like a madman that he was going to have me arrested and jailed. He is 6ft tall and 22 stone. I am 5ft tall and 6 1/2 stone. My poor brother who is still recovering from donating his kidney had to hear all this. My husband is yelling that I haven't done a thing in the house, that I've sat round doing nothing. He accuses me of spending all the money. I don't go out, I don't drink (although I do smoke). All I do is work, sleep, work. I have a very low wage. Due to the nature of his job (commission based) he often has an extremely low take-home wage so it's often left to me to pay the rent (£80) Council Tax (£20) and buy groceries. My take home pay is £140 a week.
I want to leave him but can't. We have several pets that I could never leave but little money so I can't leave him and take them with me. My son is still recovering after his operation (beginning December) so there's no financial help there.
The job I have is part-time and pays very little. I'm really too old to get a mortgage to buy somewhere of my own and with the current economic crisis I wouldn't get a mortgage anyway.
I really am between a wall and a hard place.
Does anyone know where I legally stand as regards the house (a council rented house) which is in joint names (council policy all houses are in joint names) and how long it would take for a divorce (English Law).
I also discovered last week that my husband has been subscribing to a porn site - this when we're struggling to survive financially. He says his card has been cloned but having a look at this particular site which has very secure entry, I don't believe him for one minute.
During today's row, I threw back at him that his son and daughter never get in contact with him. He fired back that they "Can't stand the sight of me", which is totally untrue. I shot back at him that he's got a mobile phone, so if they despise me so much, how come they never phone his mobile!
The sad part is once we were very happy together. Now I dread him coming home from work.
I think I understand now why his previous wife started drinking and became an alcoholic. If she suffered the same mental cruelty that he's inflicting on me, then little wonder. The difference between her and me is I don't like alcohol and I like to think I'm made of stronger stuff. I am trying so hard not to succumb to this but it's getting harder and harder. I want him out of our house and out of my life.
How on earth do I do this?
If I'm coming across as being selfish, then I apologise but any advice would be very gratefully appreciated.
Thank you for listening.
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