Confused.....

[Muggins]

Ive found this site in the hope that someone will make sense of this part of my life.

I am married, but with some problems. My husband has been impotent for 10 yrs and wont seek help. Rightly or wrongly, I have had to find my own solution to this problem.

About 18 months ago I met a man and we had a passionate and deep affair. It was a little dificult as he lives on one the Islands just off our mainland. I was still living at home at the start, but soon realised that now was the time to move out. I did so and loved it.
My family however, didnt cope well. So after 5 months I returned home to repair the damage. Lots of promises all broken of course, and now we are back to where we started.

While I was away from home ,the affair continued, but he suddenly announced that he had changed his mind and didnt love me. There was someone else so off he went. We had a couple of weeks with no contact, then he got in touch. Still wanted me, although he didnt love me. Stupidly I agreed to see him again and again.I last saw him last Oct...bu t still maintained daily, online contact.
Just after Christmas this year, he met someone close to his home and they started a relationship. Again I tried to stop all communiction. Again it didnt last.
He and this lady are now getting married at the end of this year. It was hard news to hear, as you may imagine, but again I said that I would cease all communication. I felt that not only for my own sake, but for this other woman, it would be better for us to end all communication.
NO!!! It turns out that he very often fantasises about me, has times when making love to her, he thinks about me. Only ever Masterbates with me in his thoughts and never her.

Now, to my mind, he shouldnt be marrying her if he still has me in his thoughts.
Is this a male thing......is it possible for him to go into this marriage denying the very thing that drives him, and that he can only truly be satisfied with me???

I am still in love with him, which in itself makes me angry with myself. I should have walked away, but didnt...

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I am in turmoil. Trying to get on with my life, trying to shut him out of my thoughts.
O and by the way, Im not a kid....Im in my fifties and have been married for 21

[Rights Fighter]

I have a friend who is married but hubby is in a care home. She's having an affair with another married guy she met at a school reunion. He is keeping her dangling on a string, saying things she wants to hear via text, emails and calls, but it's so false and superficial and I really wish I could make her see this.

I think you might be in the same situation - I think he's probably pretending to have feelings for you - adding to his "fantasies" with you in mind. I have no doubt he's telling other women exactly the same thing.

I would dump him - delete all contact details physically from phones, computers and books. If you can't get your hubby to attend Relate or similar then maybe it's time to stop allowing your family to emotionally manipulate you into staying in an unhappy marriage. If they cared about YOU, they would support YOU. They can't be young children as you say you have been married for 21 years.

Isn't it time you started to live? That doesn't mean diving into a sexual relationship either - go to nightschool, learn a new subject/hobby. Go out socialising. Join a church.......anything but stay in your current situation otherwise you'll end up hating your life and resenting those who are emotionally blackmailing you into staying where you don't feel loved or wanted.

That's my feeling anyway!

[Muggins]

Hi,

Thankyou for your response. Yes I know you are right. He is coming over here next week and wants me to see him. I have said NO!! So thats a start.
He has told his fiancee about me, but she doesnt know what 'drives' him.
Its really not my problem, I suppose. Yes I need to walk away....

[Rights Fighter]

How do you know that his fiancée knows about you? As he told you that? And if so, why do you believe him?

You say:

Its really not my problem, I suppose.

The "I suppose" tells me that you re not 100% sure, still.

Nah! He thinks he has you dangling still......

Take yourself off for a break of several days if you can possibly do that. Don't take your phone and don't use one while you are away (if you go).

He knows you are vulnerable and he's using that to get to you.

Get rid kid!!! You really don't need this pillock! You deserve better!

[Muggins]

Hi again....

I know she knows about me and our history, because he told me and why would he need to lie about that?
Its impossible for me to go away, but I have made myself so busy with other things, that I cannot get away anyway.
The 'Hello' would be fantastic but the 'Goodbye' would be awful. Not for him of course, he would have had exactly what he wanted.
I will not go and see him, and will try hard to cease contact. Its like giving up smoking. You love the ciggies but know they are bad for you. You crave for one and if once you light up you are doomed and have to start the whole process over again......

[Rights Fighter]

He would lie about that as it would lull you into a false sense of security.

Must go and put the coffee on - I love the smell!!