I Cant Carry On Like This

[charliechaplin]

Hi, lm hoping some can help me out. I have been married for 20 years to a very hardworking, reliable man who says he adores me.

When we first got together he wasnt overly demonstrative but l coped. I had been in a violent relashionship and had a baby son. He was brilliant with him and we went on to have 2 more lovely children.

On and off though over the years his annoying habit of eying up other women has really tested my patience. We would argue about it all the time and he spent the first 10 years of our lives together denying it, saying l was imagining it. He then admitted that he did sometimes but that was only because they happened to be in his eyeline to more recently that yes he does in fact "eye " some up but not as many as l make out.

His excuses are that:

its a man thing !!!!!

it doesnt mean anything !!!!!

he gets nothing from it!!!!!!!

he wishes he didnt do it knowing how much it hurts and upsets me !!!!!!


Now the last couple of years it has become unbearable so much that l will do anything not to have to go out (we very rarely do) and if we go somewhere during the day it will end in me being upset and as hard as l might to ignore it l have to make some sarky remark at some point. I truly think he thinks lm a blind idiot and he is being extremely clever about it.


Or l am a mental case who has lost the plot.


I have confidence issues and l know this doesnt help but am l truly in the wrong here.

If you love someone as much as he says he loves me would you keep hurting them, he has said he wishes he was strong enough to leave me so as not to hurt me anymore but he cant bear the thought of living without me.

I really dont know what to believe as he says one thing but behaves in another.

Please be as blunt as you like as l dont think my marriage is going last much longer and l need to know your views.

PS.l am undergoing some councelling and l have had it before but im not sure its going to reslove this issue.

Thank you in advance.

[Phil]

Hi,

I have now been happliy marrried for 4.5 years, having known each other for about 8.5 in total. I have always looked at other women - it's just what blokes do. At a basic biological level we are instinctively looking at women. We are looking for a mate.

My wife and I turn it into a joke - I point out women who I find attractive to her, and she points out blokes that she finds attractive to me. We then compare notes with "What? No way!", or "Hmm, yes, she is very cute" etc. It's all a bit of fun.

I guess we both acknowledge that it will happen, so it's just a part of life.

The key thing is that we both trust each other 100%. With that, we both know for an absolute fact that looking and commenting is as far as it will ever go, with anyone. Thus, looking is harmless, and can be quite a lot of fun when you compare notes. I also often say "Hmm, she's nice" etc, and if I don't receive a (playful) punch, I ask her which planet she is on and tell her that she's inheriting her mum's deafness!

You asked us to be blunt, so I will be:
Do you trust him, absolutely, totally, 100%?

If yes, you have nothing to fear about him looking at other women.
If no, that's the real problem, which must be addressed if you wish to save your marriage.

I hope that helps. Have a think about *why* it bothers you. I think it will probably come down to trust. Crack that, and you'll be well on the way back to a happy marriage.

Good luck. It sounds like you could be very happy together, aside from this problem. If he adores you anything like as much as I adore my wife, you have nothing to fear from his looking at other women.

[littlemoo]

It sounds to me like a self-confidence issue (rather than a trust one). You are scared that he will prefer another woman to you.
I hope that the councelling will help with that, and have you tried an assertiveness course or similar that might make you feel better about yourself. Also - do you get out a lot and meet other people with similar interests/hobbies etc as this may also help your confidence, or do something where you are helping someone else.

I agree that he should try not to do it if it is bothering you so much, but i have no idea how you would or even could make him stop.

I hope you manage to sort it out.

Jo (p.s I am Phil's wife :-) ) and we do love each other loads and we do conside it to be a game. I even point out a few blokes to him - have you tried that one with your husband? how did/will he respond?

[charliechaplin]

Thanks Jo and Phil, it is a self confidence issue but i still have issues with him doing it. I do feel like im being compared.

I have a great job which invloves meeting alot of people and l do come across as a confident person but inside lm a bit of a mess.
I would love to be like like you two and perhaps one day l will get there.

I dont think he would be that bothered about me doing it

[Phil]

Good luck, both with the self confidence overall and the trying to point out blokes you like the look of to him. I really think you should try it and see what he does/says.

Ask him to change how he does it. You both accept the fact that he does it, and will always do it. Thus, ask him to actively point out women to you that he finds attractive. Ask him to openly say "wow, she's got nice boobs", or "hmm, nice bum", or just "cute!" You'll find he'll also say things like "cute, but not as cute as you", or "wow, nice boobs, just like yours". It will mean he is no longer trying to hide what he's doing and it should just become a normal part of your life together.

It sounds like you are really suited for each other, and it certainly sounds like he is madly in love with you. I am madly in love with Jo, and we both know that whatever we say or do, even if it hurts the other person, that love is there.

When we do hurt each other, we never sleep on it - we always at least apologise and have a talk before going to sleep, no matter how tired. Have a chat each night, talk about any women he has pointed out that stick in your memory. Talk about some blokes you noticed. It doesn't really matter what you say, just chat about it. Talking about it means you both accept it's happening, and the more you chat about it, the less it should bother you.


I really hope this works out for you - please don't let something like this tear your marriage apart. It sounds like it would be a great loss for both of you.

Best Wishes,

Phil

[mark]

life is too short to be arguing about who your fella looks at tbh,he hasnt tried to stray with anyone nor do i feel he ever will.
he is married to you,and only shows you attention therefore he must love you very much,so i wouldnt wory about it too much.

[frankgallagherwasere]

What if it were you? He is only human !!!

SO you own this person and they can only do what you tell them and they have to seek your permission to even breath? So what happened, one day they just stop looking having found the perfect partner and life is perfect to the end? Damn it we are all humans animals and have brains, as with someone who is falsly accused its not the thought its the action, some of us are accused of things we are totally against and I assure you it bloody well hurts - especially when one is then convicted !!!!

Talk about it understand it and live with it, you will feel a lot better when you have confidence and things are open. Its better to live with it not fight against it as most people look BUT DONT TOUCH - not that the laws understand nor want to believe that.

[Rights Fighter]

I went out with a guy (who looked a bit like Fred Elliott from Corrie!)

He constantly made remarks about other women such as "lucky bike seat"......

So I started to play along. "Oh wow! Lucky tight vest!"

He HATED me doing that! I dumped him shortly afterwards as he was very possessive and I wasn't allowed to go 24 hours without having to have a few hours in his company. It took me three years to get rid and that was when I moved south in 2001!

That's a different scenario to you though. Wwhy not start eyeing guys up - not obviously but just for your own private enjoyment. While you are admiring the male scenery you won't be noticing him eyeing up other women.