My husband has gone off me

[Dreamer]

Hi I'm a new member, both my husband and I are in our early 50's. He has worked away from home for most of our married life. He started 'on the rigs' and then moved to a shore based job in Europe. I had the chance to move on a married status basis with him about 9 years ago but at the time one of my kids was taking O Levels and the other had just started a first job after leaving school. We decided he would be based in Europe and I would travel there regularly and also he would come home regularly. He was a bit homesick and lonely the first few years and I did go out there a lot but felt I just couldn't live there permanently. As time passed he made a few friends at work and started biking at weekends. Our marriage was good and neither of us would ever contemplate infidelity. He since has had to do a lot of travelling with his job and for the past 3-4 years we have had quite long separations. I haven't complained, because it has given us a good standard of living and I know he loves his job.
What has totally turned my life upside down is, when we were together a few months ago just generally talking one night, I mentioned that we didn't seem as close as we were and I thought it was time that we lived together properly again, he suddenly said that, he had changed emotionally and he didn't feel the same about me anymore. He said he loved me to bits but he's not really interested in the sexual side of our relationship and he just wants us to continue living apart. I'm devastated. What do I do?

[Saffron]

Hi Dreamer

I am not an expert on these matters, but have you thought about getting sexual therapy? apparently it can work, although both parties have to be willing to try it. www.basrt.org.uk
Long periods of seperation can be a kill or cure for a relationship. I hope you can work this out.

Good luck.

[Dreamer]

Well I finally got to the bottom of the problem. He has been having an affair for the past 4 years. It all came to a head after I found a text from her on his phone. We split up at the end of February and I served divorce papers on him a few days later. He is now living with her in France and I have since found out that she is only one of many women he has been seeing. He has been leading a totally double life. After 34 years of marriage I am shellshocked and trying to come to terms with it all. My family have been fantastic in supporting me, but obviously I'm totally lost and devastated. The decree nisi was issued on 6th May and we are sorting out the financial details at the moment via our solicitors. I'm going through stages of desperately missing him to feelings of blind fury and hatred of him for doing this to me. There's absolutely no chance of a reconciliation, it's over, sad but true.