Helping a spouse over depression

[diana_holbourn]

I wrote a long self-help article about helping a husband or wife over depression: http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/sectio...sedspouse.html
Any feedback welcome.

[Bikerchick]

Hello

Thank you so much for this article. I had a hard time finding support for spouses with depression and have been treated unfairly in my search for help. After being told by some forums that I will never understand depression so there is no use in trying, also, that I should consider myself lucky I don't suffer from it. Not quite the support I was looking for. Then I found your article. Hope is restored. Thank you so much. I know this is an old thread but I had to reply.

[Quiet]

That's not a very nice thing to be told. I've had to support my OH through depression and it is hard sometimes. It's good that you have stuck with him. :-)

[Saffron]

It is incredibly difficult to support someone through depression - I watched my husband deteriorate terribly, and felt so utterly powerless. I am glad you have found help here!

[Bikerchick]

Thanks for the support. Unfortunately, he has lost all interest in everything he loves to do. I feel I am only enabling him to continue down this road he is on. I asked him to leave yesterday and he did. I am absolutely heartbroken but I don't know what else to do to help him. We have kids and I have to be there for them. He exhausts me. Please tell me I am not a terrible person, cause I feel like one.

[RFLH]

no you're not a terrible person - you can only do so much and each person has to take responsibility for their own actions no matter what.

Your priority must be your children at this time and perhaps this jolt may be just the thing he needs to make him start to climb out of where he is now.

Hopefully this will be the kickstart he needs and he'll go for the help that he needs.

[Bikerchick]

Thank you. Your support is really helpful. I know I cannot go back to how things were, yet I have weak points where I want to call and say come back. Doing that will solve nothing and thanks to your words I may be strong another day. I hope this wakes him up, just wish it wasn't so hard. Thankyou.

[Unregistered]

hello

I skimmed through your article, but I feel like my situation is a little different. My partner admits that he has a problem. However, we are both students living in a very expensive city and there is just no way we can afford help. I want to help him desperatly. It is getting very difficult though and I find myself frustrated alot. I know that he loves me and I know that his behavior is not a reflection of his true feelings towards me, but it doesn't make me feel any less hurt when I am constantly being pushed away.

Any suggestions?

[diana_holbourn]

Hi Bikerchick,

Sorry to hear that.
I don't blame you for asking him to leave. You have to look after yourself and put children first after all.
Maybe the only thing that will work for some people is medication, or at least it dampens the worst of their symptoms so they get more motivated to help themselves. Therapy could also be better for people who are really unmotivated, because they get the support and encouragement of someone who will hopefully know their stuff and guide them step by step while they're on the road to recovery.
But did you look at my other article on depression, which is addressed to the depressed person themselves and is quite a bit more detailed with a lot more ideas so it might help him more? If you didn't, you could see what you think: http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/sectio...epression.html

Diana

[Unregistered]

I too am looking for help for a depressed B/F

I am just looking for some help, I don't know what to do.

My B/F of 3 years is saying he is depressed and suicidal for the last 4 weeks, I asked him at the beginning to go see his Dr, which he has done. The Dr. has noticed him decline over the last 4 weeks.

I thought some of the way he was acting was because of me, I thought that maybe I was adding to the pressure of his life, well he does say that he feels pressure from me as well, I have been questioning lately where this relationship is going, what is the next step. We live about 50 kms apart and usually only see each other on weekends.

He is also has started to really hate his job and where he works.

It is as if he gets no satisfaction out of his life right now, he tells me he does not have a dream, I told him a couple of weeks ago that everyone should have a dream / goal.

I do think his past comes into this as well, he is a Vet, has only been out of the military 5 years, moved to a new country 3 years ago and I feel that he just does not know where to go next.

I am devastated because just over a week ago I agreed to a 3 week break so he could "figure out what he wanted", well he has stopped by once (I was out) and called me twice to talk, last call was today and I am scared, he does not know what he wants, he is thinking he will be depressed forever, he can't see a way out of this. He says he does not want to put me through this, I told him he can't get rid of me that easily and I love him no matter what and want him to be a part of my life, my future.

I asked him if he wanted to call it quits but he says no, but he does not know when he will see me again. I don't know what to do, I am not the type of person who is patient and can wait, I tend to rush head long into things.

I just don't know what to do???? This is more than just a break because he is confused, he is really depressed and does not know why exactly, I am worried that he will do something to harm himself.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't know what to do, I try and be brave and not cry, but it is just heartbreaking, he is pushing me away and at the same time pulling me back.

I need some good advice on what I can do so I don't make this situation worse by my actions.

Any advise would be appreciated, and I am sorry this is so long,

SunRise

[RFLH]

Hi Sunrise,

you say that your boyfriend was in the military - do you think it could be PTSD? Being a vet is also fairly stressful I'd say.

Perhaps you'd be better off doing a step back for the time being and just be a good friend until he's sorted himself out. If he's worrying about you and your feelings he may feel that his own come second.

I'm no expert but it does seem that he needs proper mental health help - there's no stigma to it these days and he seems to want to get better.

Please keep posting.

[Unregistered]

Response to Bikerchick

Thanks for the support. Unfortunately, he has lost all interest in everything he loves to do. I feel I am only enabling him to continue down this road he is on. I asked him to leave yesterday and he did. I am absolutely heartbroken but I don't know what else to do to help him. We have kids and I have to be there for them. He exhausts me. Please tell me I am not a terrible person, cause I feel like one.

You did the only thing you could do to save your self and kids. He wasn't going to get it and he can only help himself. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. Be proud of you and standing up for yourself also giving your kids a great role model.

[Unregistered]

I'm there with you

Thanks for the support. Unfortunately, he has lost all interest in everything he loves to do. I feel I am only enabling him to continue down this road he is on. I asked him to leave yesterday and he did. I am absolutely heartbroken but I don't know what else to do to help him. We have kids and I have to be there for them. He exhausts me. Please tell me I am not a terrible person, cause I feel like one.

You are not a terrible person. I love my husband dearly, he is truely my best friend. Unfortunately he is also the person that hurts me the most. I understand how you feel. When he gets down he is so venomous. He picks someone out and blames that person for all the injustices in life. although this person is usually me, the last time it was my oldest daughter. Until about 6 mo. ago they were closer than her and her biological father, but he has been so spiteful to her. yesterday she was pushed to her rope. I had to tell him, he either had to get help, or move out until he would. He denies any thing is wrong with him, of course it is me. This is killing me. He is such a great man when he is not down, but his depressions are getting stronger and more frequent, and he refused to get any help. I pray he will look at this and miss me enough he will.