my husband wants to leave me

[Guest]

Hi I am 28 and have been married for 6 years we've a 3 year old.My husband thinks our sex life is boring I admit over the years it has become stuck in a rut.He wants it more often than me and is now saying that he can't stand it anymore and is resenting me for not being imaginative and willing.He wants to split up over this although he has said that he still loves me.I am confussed and sad , I love him loads but think I have issues with sex that I have ignored but I think its too late hes not interested in me anymore.I really want to save our marriage.Please help do all men expect their partners to want sex all the time am I the only women whos a bit shy when it comes to expressing my self sexually??

[Guest]

your not alone. i have had problems with sex. Have you considered going to relate to talk to a sex councillor. it would prob help of you both went but if he won't go, you could try going on your own. If you have isues then talking to someone will prob help you both. there web address is www.relate.org.uk. Also, have you considered looking for some books about sex and positions, or thought about getting a sexy game. Try and come up with some ideas from these that you might be able to go along with and see what he thinks - then he can't say that you aren't trying or being imaginative.

[diana_holbourn]

There's a book called "The Divorce Remedy" with a chapter on what people can do when one partner wants more sex than the other. Apparently, it's very common for one partner in a couple to want sex more than the other one. It's not always the man; there are quite a lot of women who resent their husbands for not having sex with them as much as they would like. But men have higher testosterone levels, so men tend to think about sex more, and it's more common for the man to be the one who wants sex more.

You might be worrying that it's too late, but you may be able to rekindle his interest.

It's easy to think men are just being shallow when you hear about them thinking of leaving a relationship because they're not getting enough sex; but apparently, having sex is what brings out their feelings of love and makes them feel loved. It can boost their self-esteem because it makes them feel attractive and good about themselves. They can feel rejected if their wife doesn't want sex, so they find it hurtful. Women are apparently usually the opposite. Rather than having sex as a means of feeling emotionally closer to their partners, they like to feel emotionally closer by talking things through with them, spending time together and doing fun things together. And when they feel closer, they can want sex more as a means of expressing that close feeling. Without the closeness having been built up by sharing other things together, sex often just doesn't seem appealing.

So it can help if both halves of a couple compromise a bit with each other, understanding the way the other one works.

It may be that he seems to have lost interest in you as a defence, because he feels rejected and worries that he'll get hurt some more if he expresses interest in you. If you can explain to him that you now understand his needs more and why he feels sex is so important, and say that now you understand him more, you're willing to work on things more, he might change. If he says he doesn't believe you at first, he might just be saying that because he feels hurt; so it'll be best to ignore what he says and just assure him you're willing to work on things.

Was there a time in your marriage when you felt less shy about expressing yourself sexually and wanted sex more? If so, what was different about that time? Are you shyer about it now you have your child? If so, what is it about the child being there that makes you shy? Is it fear of being interrupted? Or fear he might want something and you want to be ready to go to him if he does rather than being engrossed in something else? Or something else? Can you think of anything that would make you feel more at ease about having sex now you've got the child? Maybe you could arrange for a close friend or family member to look after him sometimes and have romantic evenings together?

Or did you feel like having sex more with your husband at the beginning of the relationship when he was more romantic? Is there anything he used to do that would turn you on that he doesn't do now, any difference in the way the two of you did things? If so, would you want sex more if you could get into it in a way you found more appealing? If so, do you feel you'd be able to have a frank discussion with him about what you could both do to rekindle your interest in sex?

Some things you could consider when thinking back over what you did differently that made sex more enticing for you could be whether you spent longer over foreplay, whether you had sex in different places, in different positions, at different times of day etc., whether you used any means of stimulation you don't use today, whether either or both of you were more active or in better shape, and so on.

You may be able to think of new things you could experiment with that might put you more in the mood, like massaging each other more than you ever have before, moving at different speeds or touching in other ways, and so on. If you can think of different new things that you think would put you more in the mood for sex, it's best if partners can have a very specific discussion about what they want. If they find things difficult to put into words, they can give a hands-on demonstration.

Some couples find it helps to read a self-help book on improving the sex life together, and discuss what they read with each other. And it might put you more in the mood. The book "The Divorce Remedy" mentions one in particular called "Hot Monogamy" by Dr Patricia Love and Jo Robinson.

And you might be more willing to change if you think back to if there was ever a time in your marriage when you were enjoying sex more. What was different about it? Did having a better sex life make you feel better about yourself? Think about how it made you feel being more passionate and sensual, if you used to be. Did you feel as if you were having more fun? If you did, then you could recapture the old feelings if you thought through ways of doing things differently from how they've been done recently.

You could maybe make your husband feel better about himself if you start being playful and flirting with him. Maybe think back to how you were at first. People can feel more attractive and better about themselves if their spouses do little things, like blowing kisses across the room and touching them lightly in passing, or complimenting them about their appearance sometimes.

Even if you're not in the mood to have sex, it could still make him feel better if you do things to give him pleasure while not having sex with him. He might not want to accept that at first, but you could try to convince him. Also, sometimes it can help if instead of just saying no when a partner asks for sex, the other one suggests they have sex later in the day or something. Sometimes, people can feel like having sex more at certain times of day, and one partner can prefer it at night while the other prefers it in the morning or something. So thinking about whether there's a time of day you'd be more interested in it might be one idea.

Some people have low sexual desire because they're on medication that's affecting their sex drive. Even birth control pills can do it. Or it can be because they have an illness that's causing them to have some kind of sexual dysfunction that affects their desire. If there isn't a psychological reason for your problems, such things would need to be investigated. Maybe changes in diet could help. Garlic is thought to be an aphrodisiac when eaten over time. Or it could be worth getting your hormone levels checked, to see if you could have low testosterone levels if nothing else works.

Or are there emotions getting in the way of you wanting sex that could be worked on, like low self-esteem, depression, tiredness, stress, worries about body image, grief over the loss of a loved one or other things? Women apparently have to be in a fairly positive state of mind to be that interested in sex. Maybe he'd be more patient if you thought through exactly what could be putting you off sex and explained it to him, so he doesn't feel so rejected, if that's what's bothering him.

But then, you can take responsibility for improving your life if you have problems with self-esteem or something like that. You could maybe do something to pamper yourself, spend time with friends, take an evening class in something you'd enjoy and find a challenge, develop a new hobby, exercise more, read a good book, and do other things that would help you enjoy life more. It may be that the better you feel about yourself, the more you'll want sex.

If you feel self-conscious about sex because you don't think your body is as attractive as it was, you could think of ways to feel better about it, like eating more healthily and exercising more. Doing that can make people feel better as well.

Some women think intimacy feels threatening because they've been sexually, physically or emotionally abused as children so it can bring back old bad feelings or they can find it difficult to trust their partners. If this is a problem, there are places where you can get help with it.

Or sometimes, women just don't feel like relaxing and having sex till they've done everything they want to around the house, and their minds can be full of things they need to do which can get in the way of them feeling turned on. Apparently, men tend not to have the same problems. Sometimes it can help in that case if the man does things differently so as to create a more enticing romantic mood or changes the way he's doing things. If you can think about what works best for you, maybe you could discuss it with him.

Is there anything he could do about his physical appearance to make you more turned on by him, like losing weight or anything?

Do you have any romantic fantasies that would make sex more appealing to you that you would feel able to tell him about and that could boost your sex life if the two of you carried them out? He might be pleased to hear about what would suit you best.

Do his criticisms of you and arguments make you feel less like having sex with him? If so, maybe you could find ways to alter the way you both communicate. For instance, if he started giving you far more compliments than criticisms, would you start to feel more turned on? Are there little things he could do that would boost your interest, such as him telling you you look attractive and playing with your hair and doing other little affectionate things? If so, you could perhaps tell him you'd feel more romantic towards him if he started doing more things like that. Be specific about what you like.

One thing that can help people who're not so keen on sex get more in the mood is if they take note of when they have small flutters of sexual feeling. Some people might never have strong ones, but they might have barely noticeable mild ones, and they can use those as signs that they'd be interested in sex at that time. For instance, they might notice that their partner looks good or that they like some scent they're wearing, or think someone on the television looks attractive and it might put them in a slightly sexy mood. Then they can use the mood to give them the motivation to have sex.

But then, people don't have to feel turned on at all at the beginning to enjoy sex. Many people apparently don't feel in the mood, but once they get started, they enjoy themselves. Affectionate touching and caressing can put them more in the mood. Then, the sensations can build up and they get enthusiastic.

When relationship problems are putting one of the partners off sex, it can help to learn more about useful skills like conflict resolution and other communication skills. A marriage enrichment course can help.

But sometimes, when the sex life improves, the relationship improves as well without it having to be worked on. When people feel better, they argue less. When the partner who's felt deprived of sex gets more of it, they can become kinder and more willing to please.

If your husband's serious about leaving you, however, it might be best to be subtle about persuading him you're prepared to work on improving your sex life, in case he interprets what you're doing as desperation or pressure on him to stay in the marriage and doesn't like it, so it makes him want to leave more. So you could start just dropping hints at first that you're willing to be more intimate, like touching him lightly in passing, doing other things to flirt, leaving little notes, or whatever you think he'd like. But only keep doing that if he seems to like it. Otherwise, he might see it as you being pushy and it might make him want to leave more. So it's important to keep a close eye on the results. And if they're encouraging, you can build things up from there.