Need help to understand

[leeg]

Hi to whoevers out there.
I've just found out that wifes been having a text affair and am very confused. Things haven't been perfect between us for a while but in general we seemed to be getting through them.
After walking in on her texting the other night there was a very guilty look on her face, I then looked at her messages the next morning and discovered some texts from a name I didn't recognise. THe messages were very incriminating with things such as last night was great, I love you, what we have is special blah blah blah. Obviously I feared the worse and confronted her about them. To cut a long story short she told me that she had been on this website to try and find if anyone else was having the same problems as she was and got in contact with someone who was feeling the same. Things then progressed from texting about there feelings to more intimate messages, she has told me that nothing physical has happened but she has met up with him for a coffee.
I still feel like its an affair and am struggling to understand and beleive her that things haven't gone any further.
Has anyone else been through this and can offer any advice.
Thanks
Lee

[diana_holbourn]

maybe there are things you can do together to revitalise the relationship. Maybe you could tell her you're prepared to put efforts into making the relationship stronger with her, but only if she breaks off all contact with the man, because it's very important for your peace of mind and sense of security, and thus the future of the relationship, that you feel you can trust her, and trusting her will be very difficult if she's putting temptation in her way by continuing to communicate with him.

There are things that might help improve your relationship, that you could say you're willing to try if she's willing to stop communicating with him and give your relationship a fresh start. One thing that's recommended for married couples is that they think over the past, and try to remember times when things were at their best, and try to think of ways they could make the present more like those times.

I?ve been reading a book that says one thing people can do is to think back to a time in their relationship when they were enjoying each other's company and getting on well together, and think over the reasons why, with a view to recreating them if possible. So people can ask themselves questions about the time they think of like:

What were the reasons we were getting on so well?
Was there anything about the place we were in at the time that helped us to get on better?
What did we do to make things enjoyable?
Did we do anything significant at any time of the day or year that made things better?

The book asks people to contemplate what aspects of their past experiences they could replicate. It asks what the easiest thing is that they could do, and suggests they try that first, working up to doing more and more things one at a time.

The author gives an example of what she means, mentioning a couple who really enjoyed a holiday at the coast. One of the things they enjoyed about it was walking on the beach. They lived in an inland area, so they wouldn't be able to do that normally; but she suggested they would be able to go for more walks together, maybe by lakes and rivers, enjoying nature.

They had also enjoyed listening to the sound of the sea in bed at night. She suggested they could recreate that by buying a tape of the sounds of waves and listening to that when they went to bed.

She said the couple also enjoyed the physical affection they gave each other, and suggested they could recreate that experience if they went to bed earlier.

She said they loved going to the restaurants in the area where they had their holiday. She suggested there might be some restaurants near their home they could go to sometimes without their children they might enjoy.

They enjoyed reading on holiday. They could get some good books out of the library and do that again.

The book says that when things are going badly in a relationship, people can forget all about the good times and only recall the bad times, which can make them feel worse, or make arguments worse, because of the way the couple are feeling and because other bad times might be brought into arguments when they haven't really got much to do with what's happening in the present. So it can help if people make a conscious effort to remember the good times, and also the good things about their husband or wife.

It's recommended that both people in a couple write a list of good things they can enjoy together, and also of good qualities about their partner, and discipline themselves to read it when things aren't going so well, even if they don't feel like it because they're annoyed with their partner. It might make them feel less dissatisfied and more positive about the relationship. Here's a little exercise you could each do:

List the behaviors or personality qualities about your partner that you most appreciate.
Now record shared activities that you enjoy.
Go into as much detail as possible.

When you've done that, you could keep the lists, and also use them to inspire you with new ideas about how to improve the relationship, like activities you could start doing again together.

It can also help improve the atmosphere in a relationship if people compliment each other more when they do pleasing things. So one use of the lists about what qualities and behaviours each of you appreciate about the other could be to reflect on things you appreciate about the other so you can notice more when the other does something you like and express gratitude for it more often. That might encourage them to do things that please you more.

[rose]

hI,
maybe she is feeling a little neglected. You need o pay her attention do stuff with her that she dopes alone or you used to do. She should not have time to be having coffee with this guy, how come you didnt notice there was unexpaned time?
she loved you first she always will, you have the stronger pull than this other guy, tell her to stop its you ofr him, but make sure you there for her in other ways . She may be lonely its a terrible thing and ,may put her in a situation she wont be able to get out of till its too late.
be her frined be the man she courted.
I know i was in her shoes but i did it to my boyfrined not my husband and when i realised this new guy didnt care i had married him, and now i stuck in it.

Hope it works out. Talk to her ask her waht she wants, his may seem nasty but keep tabs on her for a while.