I am really devastated and confused

[Guest]

It was a weekend in july 2005 when my best friend Started to turn up on the market were my wife and i were trading and help me pull down the stall and pack away my stock. At the time i was suffering with a back problem and i really appreciated his help. As he had just started his own business my wife offered and i agreed to help him in his office with the paperwork and appointments during the week, everything was fine nearly every weekend he turned up to help me and 2or 3 days a week my wife would go to the office. Christmas time my wife whent out with her friends from darts and got really drunk and phoned me to come and get her and she whent straight to bed, so when her phone whent off and a text messagd came i read it it was from him and it said "Hi babes" and he said he was in a pub not far awaycould he meet her. So the next day i confronted her and she said it was nothing he was just messing around which he did i was a little suspicious but let it go then i noticed how my wife would buck up when he came and started hiding her phone, and everytime she had a text i would tease her and say "There is a text on ur phone i will read it for you" she would run in from the other room and snatch it off me i was really really suspitious. anyway one day she hid her phone behind the curtains in the Kitchen and asked me to get something off the window cill and when i saw the text it was from my friend saying he was missing her and he loved her me being a little slow phoned him and told him to stop sending her those kind of texts and my wife was screaming at me "there is nothing in it" and i believed her i would have trusted her with my life then. It was only a little later when his wife phoned us to say he had phoned her to say he was leaving her for someone else my wife answered the phone and told her she would come and talk to her. I was still none the wiser (How gullable is that eh). Anyway it turns out that my wife was having an affair with him since August now i am devastated it feels like my insides have been ripped out didnt know were to turn as it had not happened to anyone i know before tried the doctor he was no good ended up blaming myself still do so that is why after a lot of arguements and lies from my wife we are trying to make it work again. But i dont feel i can trust her my stomach gets sick when she goes out even to her friends, we have agreed to talk to each other frankly not for anything to get bottled up but i really dont know if the love has gone and i only just care for her sometimes i think i should go but then i think of what i am loosing (24 years of marriage) and think i should give it a fair go. My wife says she has always loved me (funny way of showing it) and does not know why she did it and says "it was just sex at the begining" but then she fell in love with him. i am so confused i dont know where or who to turn to so i looked on the internet and came accross your forum with the hope you can advise me before i go mad.

[littlemoo]

I have no experience of this but it may help for you talk to a councillor. Try Relate If that seems a bit too much, they have a book about how to cope after affairs that you may both want to read.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by talking frankly about it all. Also don't rush into anything. If you aren't sure whether you can still love her, say so. After all, you were together for 24 years and for everything to have suddenly changed, must be confusing.

Best of luck with the talking. If there is anything you feel that you can't say, or if the discussion degenerates into a shouting match, try writing down what you want to say, either on paper or on email, and leave it with her.

~Jo

[balloo]

Please let me explain i orriginally posted as a guest now i registerd. Thanks for the advice. How do you mend a broken heart still so much going through my head keep up the good work it was nice to get somethings off my chest.

[balloo]

Sorry to waffle on but it turns out that my wife confided in my friends wife that she was thinking of having an affair with a guy she met on the net and has met him for coffee and my friends wife told my friend and he used that to start the affair with her. Now i am thinking i have been to see my friend and sorted him out physicaly should i phone the guy she has met and warn him to stop chatting to her on the net (I have found his phone number and i think his address.

[littlemoo]

I don't know what else to suggest except that you keep talking to people - family, friends, councillors, here and to your wife.
As you talk, it should hopefully help you to sort out in your head where you want to go next - if you want to stay with your wife, or not.
~Jo

[balloo]

Thanks jo but i did think of phoning his wife and let her know wat he tried to do (He asked my wife if it could go any farther and she told him i dont know) or just leave sleeping dogs lay. or have a word with him myself and maybe let my fists do the talking once again.

[princess:)]

Hi balloo,
You poor thing. I think definately tell the blokes wife about what happened. She deserves to know what she married.
As for you, well i dont really know what to say! Were you and your wife going through a bad patch at the time? Did you communicate enough before the affair? I ask this because that is apparrantly why most women have affairs.
I admitt that since my hubby has stopped showing any interest in me and doesnt seem to find me attractive anymore and no longer 'talks' to me i have felt really happy every time a man stares at me or whistles at me because its the only reassurance i have that i am not unattractive to everyone.
I would never cheat, and there is no excuse for what your wife did but maybe you should try to talk to her calmly and understandingly about why she did it. I understand it must be pretty much impossible to be calm about any of this but maybe if you try and understand what drove her to do such a thing, you may both be able to move forward and make it work. Explain that you need, complete honesty, the whole story before you can try and work things out. If she has the guts to tell you everything for the sake of your marriage, then maybe there is a chance that she can be trusted again?

princess xx