I am in pain

[Elina]

We have been married for 10 years. About 2.5 years ago, when our baby was 6 months old, I started to notice that his attitude towards me was changing. Shortly after I have found out that he is in the emotional relationship (online girlfriend) with another woman for over a year (when I was pregnant&#33. We had a huge fight. He reassured me that he will stop and that he still loved me. However, I was in such a shuck and pain, that I became insecure and scared of a future. Ever since than, I stopped trusting him and, therefore, always assumed he is doing something bad that will eventually heart our marriage. He, also, became rude, inpatient with me, and started to spend more time away from home (work, sport, etc..). By now, I have caught him chatting with other women online three times. The last time I caught him, he tolled me that he does not care anymore what I feel or what I do. He also said that he does not love me anymore. WHAT DO I DO?! I love him and I can't imagine our child not being with both of us... But I am in such a pain inside, especially knowing that there is nothing I can do to change his mind. I have been in this depressing mood for over a week now. Please help me!

[littlemoo]

That sounds awful. Have a ((((hug))))

I don't really know what sort of advice to give, but here goes:~

Have you asked him why he doesn't love you any more? You may not want to hear the answer but if you know why, you may be able to work out how to change it.
He should also listen to whatever you have to say. If he won't, have you considered writing it down for him - it's harder to ignore when something is in words. It also gives you some time to think about what you are saying.

It sounds interesting that this has all started when you are pregnant. There may be no link but if there could be, Relate have written a book - I think it's called "Baby Shock". It's all about how a relationship can be affected by a baby - there are lots of things that may happen- you probably haven't even thought of them. I borrowed the book from a friend and it quite surprised me how many issues there were that could come up. Hopefully it may be of some help to you both.

Have you considered some councelling sessions at relate (or elsewhere). They should be able to help you both, and provide somewhere whre you can both talk about you problems and get professional help on what to do.

If it all gets too much, have you got a friend you can go and see and spend some time with so you don't feel too overwhelmed by it all.

~Jo

[Elina]

Dear Jo,

Thank you for your reply! Anything helps at this point. I have my first family doctor appointment this Wednesday. My husband is refusing to go. He does not think that anything is wrong with us. He says that if I want to go -- I should. According to him, saving our marriage is not his concern. Things are not getting better.
I have gained a lot of weight during the pregnancy and did not loose much due to "eating" being my way of dealing with unhappiness. I know my weight is a problem with him. However, I did loose 20 kg in the past six months and still working on loosing more. Right now I think that no matter how I look, he acts as he already made up his mind about us: "I'll do what ever I want no matter what..."
We recently moved to another part of a country and I have NO friends here. I can't tell our parents or co-workers as I am embarrassed and scared that I can make things worse if I do talk.
If you or anyone else have more to say, I will really appreciate it... I am an extremely emotional person and take everything very personal. I am sure it is one of my problems in my marriage. I can't wait until Wednesday.

[littlemoo]

Obviously you can't make your husband go to the doctor but you should try and convince him, and if not, go on your own - it sounds like you need someone to talk to and he/she may refer you to a councillor.

It sounds like you need to make some friends. How old is your baby now? Can you get involved in a mothers and toddlers group, or playgroup, or something. That will at least give you chance to meet other people.
Do you have any hobbies or anything where you can meet people. I know what it's like to not know anyone. I felt the same when I started university and it was through common interests that I made friends.

I don't know what to suggest for your relationship, especially as it sounds like he doesn't want to carry on with it. I can only emphasise seeing a trained councillor sounds like the best route as they should be able to help you.

Will your husband discuss any of the problems with you. If you can get him to talk, or at least write down, email or somehow communicate, then you at least have a start.
Perhaps you can ask him how he sees the future, and then tell him how you see the future and see if you can get a dialogue going from there.

Best of luck for wednesday.

~Jo

p.s. If you don't mind - can you register on the forums - all you need is an email address. I want to suggest a couple of things in a personal message rather than posting them. Thanks

[Elina]

Thanks again Jo! I have just registered. My email address is charm602@yahoo.com.
I will try to write him a letter in a near future if I don't see any change. Thank you for your advice. Even though he says he does not care about me or my feelings, sometimes I get confused because he is sending me mixed signals. For example, he kissed me goodbye this morning before he went to work. I am really hopping that not everything is lost. I'll try to save this marriage myself.
One of my other problems is that I LIKE to be with my family. I chose to forget all of the interests I had before the marriage in order to give 100% to my husband and family. As I understand this now, it was a mistake. I will be looking for friends now! THANK YOU! Please email me...

[Phil]

Hi Elina,

It's just my way of dealing with life, but I often find music to be a good way to think about something - I find listening to music can often relax me and I can almost have a conversaton with the song - the lyrics, if you choose your song right, can really help you focus on it, and may well give some thoughts that you hadn't come up with before.

With that in mind, I'd recommend a song called "Cry for help" by Rick Astley. Ok, so it's a guy singing about a lady, but the lyrics are no less powerful. Naturally, I can't give you the actual song to listen to, but here's a link to the lyrics.

Have a read:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rick-astley/116131.html

[Elina]

Dear Phil, thank you! The lyrics are beautiful. All I do is crying for HELP.

Lately, I found myself turning off the radio or I am not listening to CDs as I used to. All the songs are about LOVE and that makes me really sad. I guess I am not there yet.

I just don't understand, why am I treated the way I am... I am a good wife, good friend... He doesn't want any of it. I don't deserve this! But I can't take our child from him. They love each over very much. And I don't want to leave... I just want him to "come back", I want him to love me, I want attention and I want to feel special. I am so miserable. I used to be a fun person. I don't know what a depression is, but I think something is wrong with my health lately.

I am so thankful to this forum. I am so happy people are responding. I feel free here. I can express my feelings and honestly say what is on my mind. I think it helps me a little. THANK YOU!

[Elina]

Hello, it is me again... I went to a doctor last Wednesday and realized that there is probably no hope in saving my marriage by myself. I was given two options. 1. Prepare for the worse, because he will get worse or 2. Leave. I have thought about it and now I do not feel as scared as before. I have to think about ME now because no one else will. I have decided that I want to be happy and I know I deserve it! If he will not change, I will leave (with our child of cause). But I have created a third option for myself: while concentrating on ME (not him&#33 I will try to do my best to help our marriage get where I think it should be. I am reading a book now "Marriage Fitness" and once I am done, I will ask him to read it too. I am hopping he will. The book is about how to love the person you are with, not looking for a "right" person instead. It's good. I recommend it.
I am still heart and afraid the pain will be with me for long time.
I have given him everything. Most of all, I gave him my love, my best years, a child. I have to be selfish or may never have a possibility to be happy again. I am on my way to an independent ME... At least later I will be able to say to my self: "I tried".

[littlemoo]

Elina,
I'm sorry to hear that it has come to that but I am glad that you have made the decision to look after yourself.
I really do hope it works out for you both in the end, and that the book helps, but don't be afraid to go and talk to someone (perhaps the citizens advice bureau, if you are in the UK, or similar if not) to see where you stand legally if you were to seperate - it can't hurt to be prepared, and it may make you feel more in control.
Best wishes. Please come back sometimes and let us know how you are getting on.
~Jo

[diana_holbourn]

I was browsing Amazon yesterday to find some books, and I came across a few that might interest you. I read some good reviews of them, but it might be worthwhile you looking at the reviews and seeing what you think. One book was called: "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat. It's only short, and it's cheap, but it got good recommendations.

A couple of others that got good reviews were: "The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage" by Michele Weiner-Davis, and "When Love Dies: How to Save a Hopeless Marriage" by Judy Bodmer. They might be worth investigating.

[Elina]

Thanks Diana! I will definitely look into these books. I need all the help I can get...

You know, when I posted my comments last, I was feeling a little better. But now I am scarred again. I wrote him a letter explaining how much I am hurt and that I love him and willing to work on this relationship if he is. I have also asked him to tell me what he wants: does he want to try and love me? does he want to try and save the marriage? Does he want a separation or divorce? I just wanted to know... His reply was very cold and all he said that he does not know how he feels about us being together... I am so scared again. I am dying inside from a thought that what we had may come to an end.

I have been trying to change... I am not yelling at him, I am trying to be independent. I am trying to be patient. I think he has noticed it. Him, on the other hand, sometimes I see that he is trying, sometimes -- he is so mean that I just want to blow up (but I don't). I don't want to loose him! I don't want to not have a family. WHY IS HE LIKE THAT??????????????????????

[diana_holbourn]

I don't think anyone could say for certain why your husband behaves as he does.

Is it possible that there are other things in his life stressing him out and he's just taking it out on you some of the time?

It might help if you can take the attitude that things are likely to improve gradually, one step at a time. If he hasn't expressed a definite intention to leave, you'll hopefully have time to try to improve things slowly. Have you tried doing anything out of the ordinary for him - loving things that you know he'd like, but which you've got out of the habit of doing as the marriage has gone on - things like hugging him when he comes in or cooking his favourite meal? Can you remember what especially attracted you to each other in the early days, and would it be possible to do things for him that you know he especially liked then? It may be that as you do more pleasantly surprising things for him, he'll change his attitude towards you. I think it's worth a try anyway.