In jeopardy

[Wil]

I have been married for a year and a half. We are both 26 years old. I had back surgery a month ago and it was pretty serious, so I am obviously somewhat helpless. My wife has been a trooper through the whole situation until last week. We had a plumbing problem, she freaks, yells at me because the plumbing is messed up and runs to her mother's house (which is something she always does, runs to her mother when there's a problem). She wakes me up last weekend to "talk." I'm ok with that. She starts ranting about how she hates my family and how they hate her (my family loves my wife), and how all I do is sit around and feel sorry for myself because of this back surgery and that I don't do anything around the house (HELLO?? I JUST HAD BACK SURGERY!!&#33, then she says that I haven't been happy since we got married. Ok, at this point, im stunned. I have no clue where any of this came from. I understand she has been under stress from having to take care of me, but what the hell is this???? So we talk things out, sort of, and get back on somewhat decent terms. So she calls me the next day and says that she is going to the mall with her mom. I jokingly ask "what are you going to get me at the mall?" Snappy response of "NOTHING, WE"RE BROKE!!!!!!" funny, she came home with 2 , count em, 2 pairs of shoes that night. And today she calls me and wants me to go to the movies, the movies are an hour away and I am unable to go with my back the way it is. So now she's going with a guy "friend" of hours from college. I keep thinking to myself, screw it just leave her, you don't need this, but I want things to be great like they were before. I NEED HELP!!!

[Guest]

Just keep loving her, try to see her side of the story..

NEVER disagree with your wife.

you can say, "My opinion is different, but I can see where you are coming from, and I am sorry"

Just love her with pure love. I'm in a situation much the same as yours.
my wife runs to her moms, then comes back and says 'we are still seperated, we just live together. The more I try, the worse things get. now I am just loving her and supporting her, and listening to her and NOT criticising anything she does.

If she does it, that's her... love it..
if you don't you may not have the chance to love her any more.

just love man.. thats the big secret..

-steven

[oliver]

Originally posted by Wil@19th April 2005 - 05:39 PM

Quoted post

Hi Wil,

Sorry about your back.
Steven gave you perfect advice in a few words!

I am longwinded but more detailed.
My advice is based on one principle:
Before we can love others, we have to love oursleves.

EXAMPLE;
If i love me as strong, I must love you as strong.
So if I love myself as weak, I will love u as weak.
But if I hate myself as weak, then I will hate you as weak.
So that is what happens with ALL people:
We both love and hate ourselves and so must also love and hate all others as ourselves:
until we learn to love ourselves with ONE Love for being weak and strong, problem and solution, etc and bnon-etc.

It works with all words and their opposites.

So in an analysis of your post, you can ask yourself the following questions:

"I have been married for a year and a half. We are both 26 years old. I had back surgery a month ago and it was pretty serious, so I am obviously somewhat helpless."
Do you love or hate yourself as helpless?
Does your wife love or hate herself as helpless?
If you hate yourself as helpless, you will tend to resent her for being so helpful since her helpfulness makes u look helpless.
If she hates herself as helpless, she will resent you for making her even more helpless when you can't help her or don't help her.

"My wife has been a trooper through the whole situation until last week. We had a plumbing problem,"
Do you love yourself as a problem?
Does she love or hate herself as a problem?
If either of you hate yourself as a problem, u both have the problem attitude or the attitude problem of self-hatred.

"she freaks, yells at me"
Do you love yourself as a freaker and as a yeller, as freaked at and as yelled at?
Does she love herself as ditto?
If you hate yourslef as any of those words, u will yell and freak in hate at her and take yelling and freaking in hate from her, which attitude will make things worse.
Ditto for her.

"because the plumbing is messed up"
Do you love or hate yourslef as a mess and as messed up?
Ditto for her.

"and runs to her mother's house"
Do you lvoe of hate yourself as a coward?
Does she love or hate herself as a coward?

"(which is something she always does, runs to her mother when there's a problem)."
This is what she will always do if she always hated and hates herself as a coward and a problem and so also hates problems like u are to her.
This is what she will OVER-do if you also hate cowards and problems as yourself and as her.

"She wakes me up last weekend to "talk." I'm ok with that."
No comment.

"She starts ranting about how she hates my family"
Makes perfect sense:
She hates herself as them and so hates them as herself and so must hate YOU as she hates herself and so also must know that they hate her as themselves.
Your wife both loves you and hates you as she loves and hates herself.
"and how they hate her"
She will know that if they hate problems, they must hate her as any problem she is to them.
Your wife loves u and so must be loving herself as you and so must love u as herslef and so must love your family as herself.
She both loves and hates you and your family as herself.
This means that she also both loves and hates her own mother and father and family as herself too.

(my family loves my wife),"
And so your family must ALSO love themselves as her.
If your family hates themselves as any words, they must ALSO hate ALL OTHERS as themselves.
So your family both loves and hates themselves and so must love and hate you and your wife and all others as they love and hate themselves.

"and how all I do is sit around and feel sorry for myself because of this back surgery"
Do you love or hate yourslef as feeling sorry for yourself and pitying yourself?
Does your wife love or hate herself when she is sorry for herself and pities herself?

"and that I don't do anything around the house (HELLO?? I JUST HAD BACK SURGERY!!&#33,"
Do you lvoe yourself or hate yourself when you have nothing to do?
Does she love herslef as a do-nothing or when she has nothing to do?

"then she says that I haven't been happy since we got married."
Do you lvoe or hate yourslef as sad?
Does she love or hate herself as sad?

"Ok, at this point, im stunned.
Do you love or hate yourself as stunned or as stoned or when you turn to stone or as astonished?
Ditto for her.

"I have no clue where any of this came from."
Do you lvoe or hate yourself as clueless?
Ditto for her.

"I understand she has been under stress"
Do you lvoe or hate yourself as stressed?
Ditto for her.
"from having to take care of me,"
Do you love or hate yourslef when you are careless or helpless?
Ditto for her.

"but what the hell is this????"
Do you lvoe yourslef when you give or are given hell?
Ditto for her.

"So we talk things out, sort of, and get back on somewhat decent terms."
Are decent terms Love-Hate terms or One Love terms?
Did you promise to lvoe and hate each other for better and for worse, as richer and a poor, as well and as ill?
Or, did you promise to have one Love for each other as better and worse, as rich and as poor, as well and as ill?

"So she calls me the next day and says that she is going to the mall with her mom."
Do you love yourslef as her mom and as her dad?
Do you lvoe yourslef as your own dad and as your own mom?

"I jokingly ask "what are you going to get me at the mall?""
Do you love or hate yourself as being left out or as ignored or as getting nothing or as giving nothing or as empty handed?

"Snappy response of "NOTHING, WE"RE BROKE!!!!!!""
Do you love or hate yourself as snappy and as snapped at, and as broke?
Ditto for her.

"funny, she came home with 2 , count em, 2 pairs of shoes that night."
That makes sense since most likely she hates herself as emptyhanded and as getting nothing and as giving nothing too!

"And today she calls me and wants me to go to the movies,"
Do you love or hate yourself as alone or as lonely?
Ditto for her.

"the movies are an hour away and I am unable to go with my back the way it is."
Do you love or hate yourself as helpless or as useless?
Ditto for her.
"So now she's going with a guy "friend" of hours from college."
Do you love or hate yourself as your own best friend & as your own worse enemy?
Do you love or hate yourself as all other men? If you hate yourself as any other man, you are teaching your wife to not let you be her every man.
Does she love or hate herslef as all other women? If she hates herself as your mom, she is also teaching you to not let her be your every woman.

"I keep thinking to myself, screw it"
Do you love yourself as a screwer and as screwed?
Ditto to her.

"just leave her,"
Do you love yourslef as a leaver and as a stayer?
Ditto to her.

"you don't need this,"
Correct: u only have ONE need: to love yourslef as all words and their opposites.

"but I want things to be great like they were before."
Were things really great before when you loved and hated her and she loved and hated you?
Do you want to go back to that or do you wnat to go forward to the most great foundation of 100% Love for yourslef so you can love her as herself and so teach her to love herslef 100% as all words so she can love you back as herself and automatically love your family back as herself?

"I NEED HELP!!!"
Yes, you do NEED the Help of Love and not only the Love of help.
So, are you now willing, Wil, to love yourslef as helpful and as helpless?
If your answer is yes, you are ready to accept all the other help that will make you feel so helpless but will never make you hate yourself as helpless and will never stop you from ever loving yourself.

# The Life of King Henry the Fifth, Act IV, Scene III, line 76
K. Henry: All things are ready, if our minds be so.

love and respect,
oliver.

For your encouragement:
I began to unconditionall love myself as all words only after 15 years of marriage.
So you have 13 years on me!
I will be married for 39 years on sept 10 to my first wife!smile
No reason why you 2 can't make it too.
Guaranteed.

[Quiet]

Sorry to hear you are in a bad situation.
I will try and offer what advice I can.
I am female so i can give you a female point of view. I have also been married for a similar length of time, not that i'm sure how that is relevant.

My wife has been a trooper through the whole situation until last week.

I think that this may be a big part of the problem. i know that when my husband has a lot on at work, and stays late, I end up taking on more responsibility - doing the washing up (his job) extra cleaning and tidying, and trying not to mind. After a while it gets too much on my own and I tend to just get really upset and cry.
I know he doesn't need extra problems but all i want is some attention - too feel that what I have done is important and that he cares about me as well as about work.
It sounds like your wife may be in the same situation. She has had to do a lot for you while you have been injured and it sounds like she can't cope any more.

We had a plumbing problem, she freaks, yells at me because the plumbing is messed up

She probably sees this as a mans job and may not know what to do about it.
Also, if you are starting to get a bit better, she may feel she can let some emaotion out again if she has been holding it in to look after you and so you don't worry too much.

and runs to her mother's house (which is something she always does, runs to her mother when there's a problem).

Have you considered that this may be because her mother will look after her and she doesn't have to be the responsible one when with her mum.

When you had the "talk" did you discuss how you feel at the moment. Having a back injury is a big deal and must put a lot of stress on both of you and it will probably help to discuss it with each other. If you find it easier - write it down, or email it. That way you can think about what you want to say and structure it so it doesn't come out all wrong.

Also, if she has been the "strong one" who has been responsible for everything for quite a while, she may just want some attention and to know that you still love her. What are you able to do at the moment? Maybe you should think about how, at the moment, you can do something for her. You may not be able to cook a romantic meal, but could you book a table at a nice restaurant (cheap - if you don't have much money) or rent her favourite movie (even if you don't like it) and perhaps offer to do what you can to help her with housework etc. You could even order chocs, flowers etc from the internet for her if you are not able to move much.

I'm certainly not saying that it's all your fault, and unlike post 2 - I don't suggest that you agree to everything she says unless you are happy with that - a relationship is a partnership - not a dictatorship.

If it doesn't get any better - have you considered councelling - I'm sure groups like Relate have seen this sort of problem before and can give oyu better advice than we can.

I hope it works out for you.