lack of sex killing my self confidence

[muffin]

o.k. a little background. i am 35 my husband is 38. we have been married (pretty happily, we all have our times) for 12 years. there was a time back in the beginning of our marriage where we had sex problems or lack thereof i should say. we had only been married maybe 3 years or so. he never wanted to have sex. it became a really big issue in our marriage. anyway, that time seemed to pass although i'm not sure if he got more into sex or if i just became less interested due to the fight to get it. anyway, now into the 12th year of our marriage. same problem back again. i always feel like i am the initiator and then i get to sit and wait to see if i get rejected or not. more often than i'd like, i get rejected. he almost never initiates sex unless he knows i'm mad about the lack of it. and even then it seems half hearted. i am by no means trying to sound conceited or anything, but i get a lot of looks from other men and lots of advances also. never a thought in my mind to cheat i might add. i take really good care of myself. i work out i am 5'4" and 105 lbs. i workout and do my hair and makeup everyday. i am very conciencous(spelling?) about my looks. so... if its my looks then i am at a loss. i have gotten "toys" and talked to him about getting books to spice it up, asked him if he'd like anything different, etc... just to try to get it going more, all to no avail. when we do have sex he is so into the oral thing that i feel like we are disconnected instead of getting closer. i have mentioned this to him and he says he'll try harder, but it doesn't really change. i am at the point where i am going to give up initiating sex because i can't take the rejection anymore. it really hurts me that he doesn't seem to want me and i can't figure out why. he always says he's tired. well, i get tired too, but come on. please help i can feel this escalating into something big if something doesn't change.

thanks!

[diana_holbourn]

Have you tried asking him to explain honestly what the problem is? Could he have been put off sex at some point in the past, or feel that it's dirty for some reason, or be desperate to avoid having children?

Is it possible that he might prefer men?

If not, you could ask him to suggest several little things he'd personally like that would improve things for him. If you just ask whether he'd like anything different, he might not be able to think of anything, but if you phrase the question so you ask him to suggest several little things he'd like, it might focus his mind on it more.

Could he be anxious about his performance at all?

Maybe if you agreed to a period of non-sexual massage for a set length of time instead of sex, he would enjoy the affection and begin to become keener.

Would he agree to go to a sex therapist with you?

[oliver]

Originally posted by muffin@28th March 2005 - 12:27 AM
o.k. a little background. i am 35 my husband is 38. we have been married (pretty happily, we all have our times) for 12 years. there was a time back in the beginning of our marriage where we had sex problems or lack thereof i should say. we had only been married maybe 3 years or so. he never wanted to have sex. it became a really big issue in our marriage. anyway, that time seemed to pass although i'm not sure if he got more into sex or if i just became less interested due to the fight to get it. anyway, now into the 12th year of our marriage. same problem back again. i always feel like i am the initiator and then i get to sit and wait to see if i get rejected or not. more often than i'd like, i get rejected. he almost never initiates sex unless he knows i'm mad about the lack of it. and even then it seems half hearted. i am by no means trying to sound conceited or anything, but i get a lot of looks from other men and lots of advances also. never a thought in my mind to cheat i might add. i take really good care of myself. i work out i am 5'4" and 105 lbs. i workout and do my hair and makeup everyday. i am very conciencous(spelling?) about my looks. so... if its my looks then i am at a loss. i have gotten "toys" and talked to him about getting books to spice it up, asked him if he'd like anything different, etc... just to try to get it going more, all to no avail. when we do have sex he is so into the oral thing that i feel like we are disconnected instead of getting closer. i have mentioned this to him and he says he'll try harder, but it doesn't really change. i am at the point where i am going to give up initiating sex because i can't take the rejection anymore. it really hurts me that he doesn't seem to want me and i can't figure out why. he always says he's tired. well, i get tired too, but come on. please help i can feel this escalating into something big if something doesn't change.

thanks!

Quoted post

Muffin,

I am new here, and this is my first post.
I think I can help you and your husband re sex.

Your marriage is based on unconditional Love.
Now as regards sex, having UL for your husband means that you love your husband under both conditions as a giver of sex and as a giver of no sex.
And to lvoe him as such, u have to be first loving yourself as having sex and as NOT having sex.

So questions:
Do you love yourself when you get sex and do you love yourself when u get no sex? Do you love yourslef when you are wanted and when you are unwanted?
Do you love him when you don't want him and do you lvoe him when u want him?
If the answer is yes to all questions, your Love for yourself and for him is unconditional for those opposite conditions and for all conditions since they can all be categorised in terms of being wanted and unwanted. And if you do love yourslef unconditionally, you wd be able to bear having no sex.
But since you are not handling it well,.....see?

So, if no to any, then what you are saying is that your Love is conditional, and conditioned on you having to have sex to lvoe yourself, and your h has to give you sex for you to lvoe him, and you have to have sex all the time to be loved and to love.
And most likely ditt for him.

Now, this category of Love for self as sexed and unsexed applies to all other opposites, and wd explain why you 2 had problems from day one in your marriage.

Coming to a climax makes a man weak and or look weak.
So, do you love him as weak and as strong?
Do you love u as weak and as strong?
Does he love being weak and being strong?
Does he lvoe u as weak and as strong?

Is he able to handle you well when you are being stronger than him or fitter than him or smarter[stronger in smarts] than him?
Do you love weak men?
Does he lvoe weak men?
Do you lvoe bullies?
Does he love bullies?

If you hate yourself as weak, you have to be strong to lvoe yourself and he has to be strong for you to lvoe him: and you have to be strong all the time to love u and to be loved by him: but when u are strong all the time to be loved at all times, he calls u miss knowitall or says that you are trying to wear the pants in the family or that you don't respect him, and he and you both hate YOU as those words! So you lose coming and going: u lose as weak and u lose as strong.
And he has to be strong for you to lvoe him, and to keep his and your Love, he has to be strong all the time: but when he is strong all the time to be loved by you and him, you call him a BULLY or male chauvinist pig or whatever, and you both hate him as those names. So he loses as weak and loses as strong!
So hate of self as weak is very counterproductive and self-defeating and self-frustrating.

In other words, Muffin, Love of self is what emotion that motivates one to want to have sex for itself and can also handle not having sex.
And hate of self is the emotion that demotivates one from wanting to have sex since sex reveals or exposes the self-hater as what or as who he hates himself, and can NOT handle sex.

So in hating yourslef as weak, u are involuntarily and unwittingly contributing to the very attitude in him that stops him from wanting to have sex in which he is weak or looks weak.
see?

The 3 key conditions that are contributing to your marital problems are these:
hating yourself as weak and as ugly and as dumb.

Ugly is simply being weak in prettiness, and dumb is being weak in smarts.
So the same principle applies as in weak and strong, and u can think those out for yourself.

When you do, just change your attitude to Love of u as all pairs of opposites, then SAY the words i lvoe me as weak to yourself, then teach him why and how to say it too!

Then you will correct the underlying problem, and you willf eel loved as much having NO sex as having sex, and in every other pair of conditions.

Please ask any questions or challenge my assumptions.
They can and will all be answered to your satisfaction.
Guaranteed.

love and respect,
oliver

ps: I was married to my 'first' wife for 15 years before I learned this stuffand when things were going just like u are in your 12th! I am still married to my first wife and it's now 38 years and counting! smile So there is hope for you!