Needing Support due to depressed husband

[mrs hc]

Hi all. I have to admit that I am not generally a forum person, but I am truly at my wit's end and need help. My husband has lived with social anxiety and depression for twelve years. We have only been married for five months but have been together for more than two years. The only thing easy about our relationship was the falling in love part... we live on two separate continents currently and have to go through immigration. My husband is my best friend and truly the love of my life. I have gone through depression in the past but was able to come out of it after about one year. My husband however, has never been able to come out of it. He is depressed due to a violent and unpredictable childhood with his father; this is also where the social anxiety stems from.

I do understand depression due to having suffered from it, but I do not understand the social anxiety. He is a wonderful and charming man except he does not see it that way. I try very hard to comprehend what his life is like because of the social anxiety... it's so hard though because I am a naturally outgoing person.

If I had one wish it would be to cure him. I know it's impossible, but I pray every day for God to help him. I see all that is inside of him. He does not.

I want him to see how worth living life is. There are days that the clouds of depression clear and he sees that we can and will have a life together, but there are other days, like today, when he is, "fed up," with everything and cannot see us being together. It kills me.

He is not abusive. He does not blame me, actually. He understands his depression demon all too well. He tells me that I'm the only good thing in his life. He shows his love for me all the time, and tells me he loves me many times daily. He tells me that I do react appropriately to the big D. Today is the first day I've been unable to get him out of bed though and it is scaring me silly.

I just need to know that there are others out there like me. Others who live with this. Others who love their husband or wife with everything they have and have been fortunate enough to marry their best friend, but are constantly picking them up from depression. I hope someone is out there.

Thanks.

[LS]

Hi Mrs Hc
Sorry it's taken so long to answer your post. I can't help from the viewpoint of a partner supporting someone with depression, but I can identify with him and suffering it.

I know from others (and my own situation) that it must be hard too for the person/people doing the supporting, so it would seem important that you look for help just as much as he should.

Depression is one of those things that often can't be cured, but he may find counselling helpful. I don't know which continents either of you is in, but you can usually find counselling services via your doctor, and there are usually some form of marriage guidance services available.

I hope that helps, but don't do this all on your own. You need support too.

[mrs hc]

Thanks for responding. That particular day that I wrote it my husband was having a very bad day. He was not only down but incredibly irritable. I do understand depression myself as I did have it about 12 years ago. Amazingly it has not returned.

I know I need support as well because sometimes I do get overwhelmed with it all. My husband actually said we should think about separating because he doesn't feel that he is good enough for me. Crazy talk! Later, he took it back, saying that he loves me, "to death," and that he could not imagine my life without him. I have to admit that although I understand the difference between when he is talking and when his depression is talking - and I know this particular instance was his depression - I was stung by that remark. I love my husband more than anything in the world and I know we can get through anything together - we already have been though out share! I just feel utterly helpless. I also want to kick him sometimes when he starts believing that he's useless and worth nothing. He is so handsome and charming and smart...

Anyway. Thanks for writing.

[Saffron]

Hi Mrs HC

I know exactly how you feel. My husband suffered from depression and self-harmed regularly. He would say the same things to me as your hubby says to you - he wasn't good enough for me, he was a failure, I was wasting my life with him, etc etc. It's hurtful because you know what a good man he is, and it's as though he disbelieves you all the time.

I can't offer advice on a practical level beyond that which LS has done, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

[friday]

I have been both the one being cared for and have also cared for my boyfriend when he was severely depressed. Caring takes it out of you and it important to look after yourself. There are groups and support services for carers. As LS said the gp is usually the best place to go for information as they can direct you to more appropriate services.

In terms of things I found helped me or my boyfriend when things were really rough: having someone recognise how difficult it is to do even the most basic things is helpful. If he says he didn't do anything today then pointing out all the little things that were an achievement given how low he feels might help raise self esteem (e.g. you got out of bed, you brushed your teeth, you got dressed, you made a sandwich). Having someone just be there is amazing (on the phone, over email if you are in different continents), even if you don't feel you deserve their presence, somewhere in the back of your mind it registers that someone does care and you are worth their time.

I have some experience of social anxiety, for me it is tied to depression. I feel stupid, I am scared I will show my 'madness'. It is harder to combat on your own because no one is there to challenge your irrational thoughts but it is possible to challenge the common ones with someone even if they are over the phone. If you ask what thoughts are going through his head when he tries to speak to someone/leave the house then you can help him work out that they aren't real. For example:
A: I can't go to the shops and ask where the bread is.
B: Why can't you?
A: Because they will think I am stupid for not being able to find the bread.
B: Are you the only person who has ever been unable to find something in a shop?
A: No but they will know that I am always stupid and can never find anything.
B: You often find things in the shop, in fact it is only occasionally that you can't. How will they know that you often can't find things?
A: Well they will assume I always can't find things based on the fact I couldn't find milk last time.
B: Even if they did assume you couldn't find things (which I think is unlikely given how many people they serve each day) what would be the worst thing that could happen.
A: They would laugh at me behind my back.
B: While that would be upsetting, the staff of this shop aren't you friends and if they were your firiends they would know you are not stupid or unable to find things just as I know you are intelligent and capable.

Sorry for the long imaginary conversation. It can be quite helpful and it is something I try to do on my own too (as in arguing with myself in my head).

[mrs hc]

Thanks all! The good news is, as I said, I've had depression so I can empathize and sympathize with his feelings. I do commend him for everything that he is able to do, and I also go with the, "one step at at time," mantra. Step one - open your eyes, Step Two - pull the blanket off, Step Three - rise from bed, etc... It does seem to help.

Social anxiety is something that I have a harder time understanding, but that imaginary conversation that you posted is like you were listening to us!! Those are his exact fears and he knows they are irrational and I do try to put a more rational spin on them. He does go out when we are together and although he gets nervous, he ultimately ends up having a pretty good time.

He has been to counseling, as have I. Not together though... good thought. I still have a pretty intense general anxiety and take Paxil daily to help control it. Luckily for me, the Paxil was only the second medication I tried and it did work. He is so amazing with me about my anxiety too... he truly is my best friend.

I am so glad you wrote that depression sometimes cannot be cured. It's so out there that depression is treatable and ultimately curable, but my sweet husband is living proof that it is not always that way. I see him struggle so much and try so hard everyday... it's heartbreaking. Especially when you love someone as much as I love my guy.

I really and truly appreciate all of this support. When I wrote that first post I was at my wit's end, truly.

He does tell me that even when we are apart all of the phone conversations, emails, texts, and Skype conversations do help him remember that he really is worth loving and that I am the one who does.

Thanks again. I really needed this type of support. And I will look into a caregivers support type of group locally as well. I just need to know that I am not alone in loving someone who is suffering from depression.

Also - anyone have any suggestions for my husband to make friends? He works from home so the workplace is out... tough one, huh???

And I am sorry that all of you have dealt with this demon as well. It's good to know that there are others out there who have the same issues and the same absolute, total, and unending love for another human being. Thanks again, all.

[Saffron]

Hi Mrs HC

With regard to your husband making friends - has he thought about an evening class? If he is nervous about attending, perhaps you could pick one to do together. If you choose something like beginners pottery (just a random example) everyone there will be a novice, so there will be no cause for him to be anxious about being "the one who is rubbish at it". Additionally, the people there will almost certainly not already be acquainted, so no-one will have any pre-conceived ideas about your husband - less for him to feel nervous about.

Your local community centre will usually have details of courses that are available, and you can do all manner of things - from learning a new language, creative writing, thai cookery etc to more physical stuff such as yoga. (incidentally, yoga can really help with mind relaxation). If finances are a problem there may be funding available for the more career-advancing subjects.

Alternatively there may be a book club that you could both join, and this would be free. Exercising the mind is a very helpful way of building self-esteem. Have a look at the adverts in your local shop window for new books clubs or reading groups.

If your hubby likes sport, perhaps there is a local football or cricket club he could join. Physical exercise is particularly good because it releases endorphins in the brain which make you feel good.

If he likes animals there may be a charity animal shelter that he could help out at on a voluntary basis, whether it's walking dogs, feeding, grooming & mucking out stabled animals or cleaning out cat litter trays (OK, perhaps that last one doesn't sound to appealing!)

I would also like to echo what LS and Friday have said - make sure you look after yourself too. Being the "strong" one is mentally and physically exhausting, so be sure to lean on those who can support you too.

Hopefully others will have more ideas, these are just a few. Hope it helps.

[MrsW.]

Same thing here!

Hello there, yesterday night I started looking for some advice on how to deal with people with SAD as my husband has it and it is killing me almost, when I started reading your post it was like I was the one doing it! I love my husband so much and I wanna help him to get through this but I get so frustrated and depressed because we are in a difficult situation right now and it is up to him to solve it. Like you said with your husband falling in love was the easy part, so was with mine, and we both live right now in different continents as we have to do the whole family reagrupation thing in order to get me to his country, we have a 10 months old baby but we cant be together as immigration laws in his country are very strict and he needs to be working and earning a specific amount of money to get me there, of course the problem is he wont work because of his SAD problem, he agreed on going to doctor and start a group therapy, he is taking pills too but problem is that sometimes I just dont understand why he cant just get a job and get us there so we can be together as a family, i get so frustrated and start telling him why you dont care more about us? why dont you realize you have to get a job? its so stressing for me to have to deal with all this specially now that im with a baby full time, I really dont know how this is gonna end up, wonder if we are gonna be together again, if he is going to make it or if Im going to stay away from him forever, Im really scared that my baby's life and mine are depending on him now, he cant handle all this, anyway just wanted to say that reading you was really helpful and hope we can talk sometime, I really need someone to talk about this, family doesnt understand

[littlemoo]

Hi Mrs HC. Is it possible to find a local support group for carers of people with depression as it sounds like you need to be able to sit down with other people who understand and pour your heart out to them and get understanding symapthy in return.
Maybe have a look on facebook or in yahoo, or see if the library has a local directory or something. (ideas have run out at this point)
Jo