Depressed boyfriend

[Colonelslady]

Hi, looking for some kindred spirits really. My boyfriend is a really great guy, came out of the army a couple of years ago and is finding things really hard to cope with. He set up his own business which hasn't done well and he blames himself for this but it's not his fault.

He has two great kids from a previous marriage and I have one. We both love each other very much but he has health problems which has led to depression and what doesn't help is we live 40miles apart and don't get to see each other very often. He is constantly saying that he is nothing special and doesn't communicate regularly since a close friend of his died, and this event has pushed him further down.

I want to be as loving and supportive as I can and I'm reading as much about depression as I can so I don't do or say the wrong thing and make it worse. My friends think I'm mad as he has these issues but I love him and I recognise that he is ill, not defective and I want to help him through it.

Has anyone had similar experiences, especially with ex-army partners? His time in Afghanistan has had a huge effect on him, I'm sure he has PTSD and he is now getting help with counselling which is a really positive step but any advice on how I can help this process succeed would be really appreciated!

[friday]

sorry to hear you are in this situation. you need to take care of yourself if you want to be any help to your husband. is he being seen by the cmht (community mental health team)? if he is you can have a carers assessment and then get access to support yourself. things like workshops on how to help someone with a mental health problem, counselling, possibly money to give yourself a break (things like learning a language, a holiday etc). i speak as a person with a mental health condition, not a carer but i have seen the toll my mental health problems have had on my boyfriend and know that without him getting support i would feel guilty and that would make my problems even worse.

has he contacted combat stress? i know that they are meant to be good but i have no personal experience with them. perhaps if he met other ex-army people with similar problems it would help. being able to open up to people who really understand what he has seen may be helpful in reducing the weakness felt by leaving with a mental rather than physical injury. http://www.combatstress.org.uk/

[Saffron]

Great advice by Friday.
I too have had to look after someone suffering from PTSD (although he had it for different reasons). It's very tough, because you have not been through what he has been through, so you can't say "I understand".

I also acknowledge that it's difficult to cope when those around you think you are crazy for staying with him. And what do you say when he puts himself down? When my husband used to say "I am a worthless piece of sh1t, no-one will ever want to employ me" etc etc, I used to respond by saying something like "Hey! You are talking about the man I love!".

Everyone who suffers from depression and PTSD is different and it affects them in different ways. All I can really say is that if you can get through this your relationship will be deeper and more fulfilling than you could ever have imagined. Surviving a trauma either tears you apart or bring s you closer. I hope it brings you and your partner closer.

Thinking of you

[friday]

I used to respond by saying something like "Hey! You are talking about the man I love!".

that has been said to me so many times (although woman instead of man). although my response was often "well, you must be stupid or masochistic" it still helped so don't lose hope just because you feel everything you say gets thrown back in your face. it does sink in eventually and the darkness does become lighter but often so gradually you don't notice until it is barely there.

[Colonelslady]

Thanks so much

Thanks both, it makes a huge difference to know I'm not the only one. Some days I think I'm bonkers but mostly I know that this man is the best I've ever known and deserves my time and patience. He is a true gentleman and a good man, and what hurts the most is when he doesn't see this in himself.

I tell him all the time that he is very special and I'm very lucky to be with him, I just hope that he can see that eventually. Regardless of detractors I'm sticking with him because he is worth the effort.

I hope you are both getting somewhere with yours too, always here for chat if you need to.

[ozziebattler]

Hi, I just thought that I would chime in and agree with Friday. Having been both the sufferer of depression and the carer (sometimes at the same time) I can confirm that it is a hard road, especially when you get the 'unsupportive' comments such as 'give him up and find someone better', when you believe that you already have the best.
If you believe that he is the man for you, patience is the key, and not just over months but over years. Depression can be a life long illness, and can be set off again by the most flippant of comments from casual acquaintances.
If you can get to know the signs of his depression ie withdrawn, can't make decisions, wants to stay in and away from people, then you may be able to prevent a low patch from becoming a full blown episode.
I don't duck the issue with my man, when I suspect that he is down, and going lower, I ask, and if i suspect he is pretending to me that things are ok, but are really not, I tell him that too.
At least he knows that I am continuing to care, and that he can't pretend all is well when it isn't.
Best of luck

[Rights Fighter]

Here's another site http://www.trauma999.co.uk/default.html

I was involved with this group in 2001/2002 after my friend Rob was released on appeal. They were brilliant and found him a suitable therapist close to where Rob lives.

CombatStress tends to deal with ex-service personnel whereas Trauma999 deals helps people from all walks of life.