Don't know where else to go..

[redpenguin1979]

Hi,

Firstly I'm really sorry as I know this forum is meant for wrongly accused people of sexual crimes, but having spent the last month searching the internet, I cannot find anywhere I can get some support myself.

Long story short. A month ago I was arrested at 7am in front of my children for apparent fraud and money laundering in 2015. My then husband had a sales company with a couple of partners and trading standards are investigating them for fraudulent practices. My husband would transfer money from his account to mine for the kids, bills, holidays, normal stuff, which apparently means I could be guilty of money laundering if I 'knew or suspected' the money was criminal proceeds. I spent 3 hours being interviewed telling them I had no reason to suspect anything wasn't above board and I trusted him. I had my own job, own income etc. 6 months after the company started trading, my husband had a mental breakdown, he suffered severe PTSD from his army days, and had been sectioned a good few times in the prior year, ended up resulting in him being given a custodial sentence for the results of his breakdown. 2 years later whilst still in custody, he died. This was 2 years ago. Now this..

I have been told not to expect a charging decision until 'at least early next year'. I am in limbo. My children have been through hell and now its back.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to cope.. how to get up every day and it not be the first and last thing I think about. I've rebuilt my life to an extent and I'm so scared of losing it all because I just can't cope at the moment.

[Franticwithworry]

Hi there,

No need for an apology, the issue here is the accusation. While not sexual and not false in the same way that someone is lying about you, it's devastating just the same. But first my condolences - it must be devastating dealing with the grief of your children's father while in jail as well as all of this.

Please be assured that what you are feeling is entirely normal in the circumstances. Having this affect every waking moment is what happens for all of us, but there are ways to mitigate it.

1 Hang on to the fact that you know that there is no substance to what you are being accused of. While it's hard to prove a negative, that you didn't know about it, a good solicitor will know how to approach this.

2 If you haven't done so already, write down everything that you DID know about the financial arrangements and how they worked with a separate list of what you have learned about things, when and how. My guess is that the police will try to say that things you know now, you knew all along.

3 If you haven't already, find yourself a good solicitor who has experience of these kinds of cases. 'Jobbing' solicitors who do a bit of everything are great for all sorts of things, but not something as serious as this. Unfortunately it's unlikely that anyone here can recommend anyone, because of the specialism of the site, but if you need to, search for several firms who specialise in accusations of fraud and talk to several people. You don't have to pick the first person who says they will take your case. YOU employ THEM and you need someone you have confidence in and someone who will guide you in whatever you need to get together as evidence.

4 When you have got those things in place, remind yourself that you have done all you can for the moment. Waiting is horrendous, I know but your children need your time and attention and so does your own career. Some people find that giving themselves 'worry time' helps and they make a concerted effort to keep their thoughts about their situation to a designated time of the day. Sounds silly but it works for some.

5 Don't be afraid to ask your GP for some help with the stress. You don't have to give them all the details of your case, and if you find him/her unsympathetic you can always go to another in the same practice. They are not all endowed with empathy so shopping around for a doctor is the same as doing so for a lawyer. Along with this have you confided in any friends or family? Talking to someone in the real world helps and some counselling if you can get it might help too.

6 If you have any spare time at all, see if you can find something that will take all your attention for a little while. Meditation is good, as is a hobby that really requires concentration and your undivided attention. Learning something new is great too.

7 You've done incredibly well so far by the sounds of things and it's the stress of this being ongoing that is getting to you as much as anything else. Give yourself a break and BREATHE!

8 Feel free to come back here for emotional support. The accusation may be different but the emotional impact is the same and you are certainly not alone in your struggle with that. You don't say how old your children are, but your time with them now you will never get back. Hopefully you have the opportunity to do some fun things with them this summer.

[redpenguin1979]

Thank you so much for your reply

If nothing else comes from this horrendous time period, I swear when this is over, whatever the outcome I want to somehow help people going through our so called justice system.

ANyway…

I am fortunate, I get along with my employers really well. My manager knows everything (he himself has been through the same hell as a lot of your members, all the way to Jury trial and was acquitted) so is a good form of support! I have told close family and a small selection of friends, but being that it was a month ago people seem to be getting fed up with me 'still dwelling' on things. Apparently I should be positive and stop thinking about it. Easier said than done.

I didn't have a duty solicitor, stupid now I know, but at the time was in shock and being adamant I'd done nothing wrong, didn't feel I needed one. I have since found a good solicitor who met with me for half an hour and answered as many questions as she could. She says the arrest was completely unnecessary, given the long passage of time and lack of search or bail conditions (I was RUI) and is asking the OIC for the grounds.

The children are now 16, 15 and 12, so have spent their teenage years dealing with the justice system failing their dad, they are surprisingly strong and well rounded individuals, who I desperately want some normality for now.

Every time I think of anything which may be relevant I'm making notes and trying to free up my brain space from obsessing over it, but the waiting game is so hard. I must have looked at the sentencing guidelines a hundred times and googling case law is just plain stupid! But doesn't mean I can stop myself...

I have seen a doctor who was wonderful, she's given me some diazepam for the time being, going back next week to discuss something a little longer term as I need to keep calm and rational when I'm round the children..

[Franticwithworry]

I'm so glad that you have a good support network, but the 'you shouldn't be thinking about it after a whole month' is indicative of THEIR inability to cope with something like this and to know what to say - a bit like the platitudes after a bereavement. I'm glad your manager was acquitted and has a better understanding of your feelings, even though it's horrifying how many people get chewed up and spat out by our broken system.

Not having a solicitor at an interview is common when you are innocent and first questioned, so please don't beat yourself up about that. A good solicitor even after that is key and I'm glad you've found one. it's interesting to hear that you were arrested unnecessarily too - it seems to be a tactic that is much over-used. Do, though, give yourself a huge pat on the back and congratulate yourself on how you have coped so far. If you've got 2 teenagers and an almost-teen through this and they are well-rounded and strong, that's a tremendous achievement, it really is.

If it's any consolation one, of my strategies for coping is constant questioning and research and note taking. Both my man and I would wake in the night with a new thought and have to share it or write it down in order to have any chance of any more sleep. I was manic for the first little while, but it did settle down and it did mean that we were very well organised when it came to actually needing to be, if you see what I mean. I learned not to fight it and as I say it settled after a while. I still spend acres of time on the topic, but like you, I'm determined to be doing something constructive when all this is done for us.

All being well, your case will go no further. I can't help with encouraging statistics because I know nothing of your kind of situation, but rest assured, as I say, that there is support here for as long as you need it. It's early days for you yet, but I can say with reasonable certainty that it will get easier and calmer over the next few weeks. Many, many people say that the first 3 months or so is the worst.

[redpenguin1979]

That's actually probably correct, the only person who doesn't seem to get annoyed with my constant mood changes is my Boss who has been through this and understands only too well how difficult it is to push it out of your mind. I'm so fed up of hearing, you've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to worry about! If only our justice system was that perfect!

I've had the suggestion given to me that its highly possible I was arrested in the way I was to 'scare' me or to shock me into saying something that I wouldn't have if I'd been more prepared and invited to voluntary interview. Again when this is over, I will thoroughly investigate the legalities of being arrested, because I am yet to figure out what element of my arrest of 'necessary' per the PACE guidelines.

I do feel like I'm starting to 'cope'. I think my brain so long in panic/overdrive mode its settling into a f**k it attitude now, which if that gets me through the next 6 months, I can tackle whatever happens next when/if it happens. I do still make notes if something occurs to me, be it potential evidence or just something which may calm me down on a rough day.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this too. I'm sorry when you first replied, I assumed it was something that was in the past for you. How far along are you in the process?

[Franticwithworry]

I completely agree with you regarding arrest tactics and I will be investigating the legality of that too. It's been suggested that in the light of the Carl Beech trial, most arrests that involve historical abuse may be outside the PACE guidelines, but I'm not wanting to rock that particular boat yet.

My man was charged, (told all along by more than one solicitor that he was likely to be 'because of the seriousness of the allegations', which confirms to me that it's less about evidence than getting convictions), and will go to trial later this year, early next if it ends up adjourned as some do.

[redpenguin1979]

I completely agree with you regarding arrest tactics and I will be investigating the legality of that too. It's been suggested that in the light of the Carl Beech trial, most arrests that involve historical abuse may be outside the PACE guidelines, but I'm not wanting to rock that particular boat yet.

My man was charged, (told all along by more than one solicitor that he was likely to be 'because of the seriousness of the allegations', which confirms to me that it's less about evidence than getting convictions), and will go to trial later this year, early next if it ends up adjourned as some do.

I'm really sorry you're going through this too.. I remember it well, although when it was my husband he was remanded straight away as he was considered a danger to himself and due to the serious nature of the breakdown. But was still kept on remand over 9 months which should never happen.. but its hell.. I spent months firing off emails to everyone I thought could help, I'd get constant calls from him asking for updates and hoping for good news and the pressure just about broke me.

Seeing it now from his perspective (albeit very different circumstances) is eye opening to say the least. I've never had that much faith in the system since dealing with him conviction (4 Judges deemed he was ill and needed help and moving to a hospital, the very day that was due to happen a rogue Judge decided not to rubber stamp it and denied it). I ultimately see that, that final blow ended up being a contributory cause to his passing.

I think I am developing some fire and anger towards the system which may help/may not, but I guess its given me the strength i'll need to get through all this hopefully.

Your man sounds very lucky to have you on his side, I know it's hell for him, but just as much for you and having seen a few sides of our system, if you ever need a chat, just PM me

[Franticwithworry]

Remand is another level of hell that, thankfully, we haven't had to endure, and I could weep for you and your family. It seems so wrong that a single judge can over-ride 4 others.

Thank you for the offer to PM. It's very kind of you to offer that when you have so much to cope with yourself. In a few days your account will be able to send and receive private messages, and always wary of posting too personal details on a public site, we can perhaps support each other differently through that route. Both systems have their advantages and pitfalls.

[redpenguin1979]

Remand is another level of hell that, thankfully, we haven't had to endure, and I could weep for you and your family. It seems so wrong that a single judge can over-ride 4 others.

Thank you for the offer to PM. It's very kind of you to offer that when you have so much to cope with yourself. In a few days your account will be able to send and receive private messages, and always wary of posting too personal details on a public site, we can perhaps support each other differently through that route. Both systems have their advantages and pitfalls.

I personally find helping others is a therapy in its own right, takes some of the spotlight off your own issues for a brief period. I’ve also seen the effect it had on my boss.

Not had too bad a day today put concerted effort into no googling, no looking at sentences and no negative thinking! Doing it one day at a time.

When I’m approved messaging would be good 😊

[Franticwithworry]

I couldn’t agree with you more and I’m glad you’ve had a reasonable day. 🙂

[Franticwithworry]

Hope you're doing ok. :-)