Hi new to here, scared and confused

[Broken-hearted]

Hi all I finally plucked up the courage to join after my whole world was shattered last weekend when my teenager daughter accused my partner off 6 1/2 years of sexually abusing her over the past 3 years. I am not eating and not sleeping and just worried about everything and the implications for the future whatever that is. I am in the awful position of being stuck in the middle not knowing who to believe and not wanting to believe either that this could have happened without me suspecting it was or that my daughter is lying. This would have been bad enough had it been a stranger that she had said had done it but when it's my best friend and the man I had been trying for a baby with and thought I'd spend the rest of my life with it is destroying. Added to all the mix are children's services who report they are here to support but feel that they are doing anything but.

Thanks for reading

[Franticwithworry]

Hi there, I'm so sorry you had to find us but so glad you did. You will find lots of support here.

I'm sure your mind is working overtime trying to work out what's going on, but please look after yourself. As you say, it's bad enough to have a stranger do this to you, but when it's your family that's torn apart, it's entirely another thing.

I don't know where you are in this process, if your partner got arrested or just questioned and if he's on bail, but either way, but be prepared for a long haul. Unfortunately, it's not likely to be over any time soon. There are lots of people on here with experience of Social Services who can give you lots of support, and things will settle down in terms of eating and sleeping, but the shock and trauma can last a while unfortunately. When you find your brain working overtime in terms of who was where and who has accused what and when, write it all down as it will stop you churning it over and over again and it will help you get things straight in your mind. Your partner needs to do this too.

And come back here too. As I said, there's lots of support whenever you need it.

[Broken-hearted]

Thank you for your reply. Reported to police on Sunday, daughter had video interview on Wednesday and that's it so far. Partner hasn't been interviewed or arrested as yet. It is just tearing me apart not knowing. One of the people I love is lying to me

[Franticwithworry]

The not knowing is the worst part. I don't want to make it worse for you, I just want to be realistic, but it took the police several weeks to get around to arresting my man after the complaint was made.

The thing is, you know your daughter and your partner better than anyone. Honestly, I think the best thing for you to do at the moment is to focus, not on the lies, but on managing his defence. He will need to answer questions at some point so work on making sure he has good legal representation when he needs it and not doing things that will hurt him - like giving the police information they don't need. You have effectively been warned ahead of time so you could sound out a solicitor with experience you could call on if your partner is interviewed at short notice so you don't have to rely on a duty solicitor you don't know. There's lots of useful information on this forum, including lists of lawyers and I'm sure you've been reading it avidly. Don't stop, but don't overdo it.

It will give you something concrete to do and hopefully tire you out and help you sleep. That said, don't overdo it and be sure to take time out to destress and do something away from all this. It's important that you try not to let it consume you.

You WILL get through it. There are enough of us here dealing with it to reassure you that though some days are better than others, you are stronger than you realise. I hope your partner is bearing up too.

[Broken-hearted]

He has been in touch with Chris saltrese already. I just wish there was something concrete telling me either way who is telling the truth as both are maintaining that they are telling me the truth. I am split between spending time trying to support them both. Children's services are telling me I will have to choose where my priorities lie as they will be involved regardless of criminal charges/prosecution being pursued. Added onto this is my work and children's services have taken it to LADO process because of what I do for a living so also feel that any decisions I make will impact on my career I have worked so hard for. Just keep hoping this is a bad dream that I will wake up from and I now it is far from started.

Thank you for your words. I do not think any of us are beating up well. He is struggling and My daughter too seems to have lost the plot. I have tried to encourage him to join the forum before I did but he is reluctant.

Yes been reading lots of other posts and how strong everyone is and supportive.

[Franticwithworry]

Children's Services making you choose must be truly dreadful. It's a horrible situation either way; why should your partner be thrown to the wolves when your daughter is lying? You should be able to reach those conclusions, not them and be able to decide what's best for your family. It is possible to support them both. But hey ho, what do we know, it's only our lives they're dealing with.

Your partner sounds fairly typical in that it seems not unusual for men to take more time to get organised and their heads round needing to be proactive. Lots of wives and partners say that here and its what my man was like too.

Glad you spoke to Chris Saltrese. He's very well respected. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

[Broken-hearted]

I do not know who is lying is the honest answer. I wish I did. I don't know how to know who is telling the truth and who is lying. It is driving me mad.

[Franticwithworry]

I'm sure it is, and it's a no-win situation for you. Only you know what your relationship with your daughter is like, and her relationship with your partner and her own father if he's on the scene. The trouble with Social Services seems to be that they seem to see things very much in black and white terms and I can see why they would expect to be involved regardless of any police involvement after an accusation like this.

Is there anyone you could meet with, face to face, someone impartial, say a counsellor through your work or your GP who could help you sift through the many questions you must have? Looking back over time with someone uninvolved might help you unravel whether or not this is a bolt from the blue out of nowhere that your daughter has dreamed up because she's jealous or something or if there's been signs that you didn't pick up on. That said it also depends on how specific her accusations have been though I don't mean to overcomplicate things here.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that mothers always know. They don't and they can't, and it's not a failing in you either way, but of course, it's possible that your daughter is lying too, you wouldn't be here if you didn't think that was possible, and if she is there's a reason.

Seeing as Social Services are going to make you decide who you support, it's reasonable that you should get some help deciding, even if you decide with your partner that you will support your daughter but ultimately you believe him. You don't have to think what Social Services say you must think but you do have to jump through their hoops.

[AmandaF]

Has your daughter actually spoken to you about the alleged offences?

When my partner was accused, i picked apart every aspect of our lives together- and found nothing amiss.

Do you know when the assaults are supposed to have taken place? Does she have any ill feelings towards him?

All you can do is try to analyze what little information you may have- but don't torment yourself with it- just be honest

[Broken-hearted]

Hi sorry I've not replied but as you can imagine I have had a rubbish few days and obviously far from any light at the end of the tunnel.

My daughter has been brief about what has been said to me, no specifics and have been advised against discussing it with each other. She maintains it happened he maintains it does not and in stuck in the middle.

Children's services advised me that they were going to look into section 20 and regulation 24 to ensure she had stability as although u had placed her at my parents (my decision no request to by them and therefore actually not on a section 20) there was nothing to stop me from taking her back home. So my choice was that either my parents be assessed as temporary foster carers with potential for case to go through the courts if no change in 16 weeks or for me to move into their home. Social worker put it across as me prioritising my partner over daughter. Also advised that any contact I had it if tried to make relationship work with him this would be very concerning to them.

I know from my job that regardless of the legal decision regards to take to trial or not social services will have a large say in life moving forwards and decisions I have to make. Compounded by my concerns about my career moving forwards.

Having to lie to family and friends about current circumstances and everything is just falling apart spend most my time crying. Feel uncomfortable spending time with both sides. Nearly 2 weeks in and despite trying to analyse everything still seems clear as mud. Have been signed off work and have an appointment with counsellor through work on Friday although I do not even no where to begin.

Just crying and I guess wallowing in self pity moaning about being in an unfamiliar environment that isn't my home without my pets, not knowing where things are and in a bed that is not my own on top of everything else.

Have read through all the pages of posts on here but still struggling to see any light even in the distance have even tried to thing of encouraging or supportive things I could say to others on here in their time of need but the tank just feels empty