I survived

[carrot tops]

I have been lurking on this site for a few years now and found it very helpful, so wanted to share my story.

I am the mother of a son who was falsely accused of rape by his adopted sister. It all went to trial and he was unanimously acquitted within an hour. It was a historic allegation so no dna possible and as parents we were accused of knowing and covering up by the fa.

We put our daughter back into care for her own safety as she would not respect our boundaries and within a few months allegations were made.We are convinced it was as payback for putting her into care, even though we tried to reconcile with her. Once the allegations we made this would not have been appropriate for us to attempt. The social workers involved in our case were incompetent and naive. The OIC was considered a problem by our solicitor. Our barrister was fantastic and apparently took daughter to pieces under cross examination.The prosecution witnesses were not called. Neither believed daughters allegations were true and would have said so if questioned .Daughter had made an allegation against another man which she retracted. That was revenge motivated. I was called as a defence witness. Incredibly scary but I firmly refuted daughters allegations. It was difficult not being in court to hear everything and knowing if we hadn't adopted daughter none of this would have happened.

A few years on we have picked up the pieces. Son understandably used drink to get through it all. He has had no counselling but reacted negatively when we suggested it. His mates stuck by him, but it hit the press and some people were aggressive towards him. I would rather have had my limbs cut off than see him go through it. We kept hoping common sense would prevail but it never did till jury stage.

I still love my daughter and son. I've been desperately worried about how son has coped. I'm worried daughter who has moved away will get herself into crime or make allegations against someone else. She is so indiscriminate in relationships she could put herself in danger of rape.

I have felt guilty just because of the allegation. I have become very anxious if I hear a police car. I have felt desperate for daughters safety and social services have twisted the knife so many times. My confidence went completely. I've felt paranoid. I have no faith in the police at all. I've been so wary as we couldn't talk about what we have been through.

We were so relieved at the not guilty verdict, but there is no public acknowledgement of the trauma my son and our whole family have been through.

It's taking time but we are rebuilding our lives. I can still love, I still have empathy. At one time I thought I had lost that for good. My marriage has survived and is better than ever despite husband and I having very different feelings towards daughter.

Something has got to give in our justice system. I think there are too many innocent people suffering from false allegations.

I am so pleased when I see bananas here and am praying for the falsely accused who post here.

Thank you for your posts and your support for real victims

[can it get worse]

Thank you for your post. I can feel your sadness and struggles.

My partner was falsely accused and the case went to trial. He received a NG within 30 minutes.

I am still suffering the aftermath and still cannot come to terms with the whole experience. I am so disappointed with the justice system and the fact it got as far as trial.

I have always had a lot of respect for the police. However, now I feel disillusioned.

Let's hope the investigation in to Operation Midland will indeed end the policy of automatic belief of sexual abuse complaints.

[TBG1]

Hi Carrot Tops and welcome.


As is to be expected, yours is a sad story and I found it difficult to read in parts because it clearly has split your feelings and profoundly affected your life.


On the face of it, your story has a "happy ending"... but you quite eloquently infer that this isn't really so. In my opinion, the very fact that we have to "recover" from something reveals that we have been through an ordeal...and one that will inform our actions for the rest of our lives.


Your final couple of paragraphs are quite moving and give a brief but painful glimpse of 'Life After FA'.


Thankyou for sharing your experience. Best Wishes to you & your family. And again, Welcome.


TBG1

[carrot tops]

Thank you for your kind replies.

My son moved out a week ago, the move went well and our relationship is good, but I find I worry about him so much more since all of this.

I tend to talk or think through all my feelings, son tends to have a manic social life to distract himself from the feelings. If there is a hint of a problem with his life I struggle not to immediately jump to the worst case scenario. If I could micro manage his entire life I would be in my element, yet I've successfully let go off all his siblings and have a healthy adult to adult relationship with them.He is single at the moment, but I worry in case he faces another allegation, as I know what morons the police and CPS are. I worked so so hard on his defence expecting that even at the last minute the case would be dropped but it wasn't.

On the whole life is moving on and I still think it was all a bad dream. How on earth can intelligent people take things so far?I now lay the blame with daughter, but am angry at police and social workers because their "believe the child at all costs" has helped her completely burn her bridges. They will move on and forget her but the consequence for her is she has lost her family.

During the time we were awaiting trial there were some good things happening in our family but we weren't able to fully enjoy them as we were struggling with our fears.Exercise really helped but finding the motivation was difficult. We had some good friends who stuck by us and would still be sympathetic now, but I don't think they had ever faced this in real life. With some of my feelings I feel like a broken record. I think it's about the lack of public validation. We felt so exposed during the trial and so grateful when it was over, but getting back to "normal"?! It just shakes your foundations and you have to rebuild again.

On the upside, the little things don't matter now so much. I am always pleased hearing not guilty for those who are falsely accused. It's terrible to hear of others suffering as we have, but it lifts the feeling of isolation. Maybe maybe maybe anonymity for the defendant will happen at some point?

I used to feel that everyone I met in the street knew what our son had been accused of but maybe they didn't ? Maybe they were perceptive enough to know it could be a false allegation. If they had known daughter was behind it I think most people would have thought it false.

I've had some really weird dreams the last few nights. I think it's just that now son has moved out I'm not aware of is he eating, getting enough sleep, getting up in time for work etc. I don't have to be the mum immediately available to him so it's giving me the chance to process my own stuff? It's a bit galling because I thought I'd worked through a lot of it anyway.

Right now I feel like telling myself "so it really did all happen".

Ok I think I've worn myself out so I'm going to sleep

[can it get worse]

Hi - hope you got a good nights sleep and have refuelled?

The post from TBG1 was spot on. I wish I could communicate as good as that.

I understand your feelings........ as a mum myself, we want to protect our children from all harm. Our feelings of helplessness in these situations is very hard. We have always been able to assist in our children's difficulties but this is one where we have no control.

Your concerns about other people are also understandable. I felt the same, wondering who knew & what they were thinking. Luckily, these feelings have faded greatly. I suppose that happens with time. I now feel that I don't really care too much what people think. The people who matter to us know the truth. I hope you can come to this stage soon.

I hope you will soon reach a turning point in your recovery process. I pray this for me too!! x

[Shah]

I really felt the need to reply to what you wrote..

Very well written and can totally relate to it in lots of ways. My innocent son is in prison for something he has not done and like you I absolutley hate the police and well make sure my grandkids relalise when they are older not to trust them..

We have been lucky in respect that nothing went public not that we have anything to be ashamed off 99.9% of friends people who know us dont belive any of it anyway!. this was done out of revenge pure and simple and you could not make it up what the police and CPS have done.. but we are not alone in living with this for the rest of our lives..
Your son amd my son are the real victims here as are we having to live in a country where this is so easily done with no come back... just word of mouth backed up by the police ...

During the time we were awaiting trial there were some good things happening in our family but we weren't able to fully enjoy them as we were struggling with our fears same with us first grandchild....christmas cancelled..

just re reading again what you wrote and I might as well have copied and pasted a lot of it!
so eloquently put.

[carrot tops]

Thanks for your reply Shah, I am so sorry to read what you and your son are still going through. I can't imagine how you cope but am pleased that wrongly convicted people can get help here. I'm certainly praying miscarriages of justice will be overturned.

Stay strong and hold on to the truth, sending you a hug.