Really struggling

[macdougal]

Its been 6 months since the allegation was made against me and 3 months since it was NFA'd
So why does it just seem to be getting harder and harder to deal with?

Im a nervous wreck when I'm sober. Constantly anxious.
So on the nights where I dont have my daughter I sit there thinking of self harming and to irrdicate these thoughts decide to go drinking instead and its usually anywhere between 7 to 18 pints. 2-3 times a week.

This gives me the added confidence to speak to people and so have found myself taking womens numbers having the odd kiss (but not sex). Which is "great" that im getting on with things.

But the minute I sober up in the morning the anxiety comes back and I get the sense of well if I dont see these girls again or contact them, what if they liked me a lot. Can they be as f**ked up as the other girl. I hear car doors closing outside my house I jump up to see if its police. People knocking on my door when Im not expecting a visit scares the living **** out of me.

Im scared to be myself.
I dont trust anyone and I'm falling outwith friends because im so paranoid and when drunk cause issues with them that really arnt an issue.

Im worried my drinking is going to get me to a point where I become dependant on it just to feel a little bit normal.

I went out a few weekends ago and spent 250 in 2 days on booze.

I have sought help from my GP and have an initial contact appointment with a counsellor next week.

Has anyone else had counselling after a false allegation? Does it help?

Thank you

[RFLH]

I'm so pleased that you are seeking help, whilst is normal to feel as you do the drinking has to be nailed - but the biggest thing is that you've realised that.

Also drinking like that could get you back where you started - if you can't remember what you've done when you're drunk then you're open for more false allegations.

Just think what a waste of your life and money - she's probably got on with her life without a second thought to you - you're making yourself a prisoner to booze. Don't let her win this one.

Fight back.

[LS]

Hi macdougal
I can only say I know exactly how you feel. The anxiety is something which, for me, has not gone away four years after being accused and convicted so mine may be a different scenario.
The boozing is a problem though. Not only the damage you are doing to your liver will more than likely cause you problems later on, such as cirrhosis, but people have died from such a heavy intake of alcohol.

I've also had counselling, and while it does help, it doesn't cure the problems which are mostly self-aware. In other words, it's your perception of them which causes you the most angst, rather than the problems themselves.

The mistrust of people, and women in particular, is entirely normal given your experience, but you can also do more to help yourself. Picking women up either in bars or at the mercy of alcohol-induced stupor is a recipe for disaster. Personally, if I wanted the company of genuine women I'd look for them in controlled environments, such as friendship or activity groups - anywhere where the onus is not on getting ****faced - and there are likely to be other sober individuals around to deter any false allegations from starting. It would be wrong to tar every woman with the wrong brush, but you can't tell an untrustworthy one by looks alone, so you have to make sure you don't find yourself in a position which can give rise to any falsehoods.

When you say you've sought help from your GP, you didn't mention antidepressants so I guess they didn't get discussed? From the sound of it, antidepressants would be the very least you need.

[macdougal]

Thanks guys for getting back so quickly.
RFLH I want to fight and was doing ok until about 2 months ago thats when the drinking became heavy.

LS I went into my GP and told him my feelings and before he spoke I told pills were not an option. Its something I just dont want to rely on.
I think what I need is something to vent all my frustrations and anger to.
Talk about the events that have happened to someone who is going to listen and (hopefully) not interrupt.
I knew the drink was becoming an issue thats why I went to see my doc. I dont want to ruin my daughter life or to risk losing my daughter, she is my world.

GP thinks the drink is far too excessive as well so Ive got to go for a liver function test on friday.

It just seems to be a case if I dont take my mind off my harming thoughts Ill do something stupid. My cousin took his own life a few years so I know exactly how it affects the people I love so alcohol seems to be the next best option. (I'm well aware of the health risks that poses too)

Thanks again anyway for reading and replying. means a lot

[LS]

Hi macdougal
Counselling as I said may help, but don't expect miracles. Counsellors won't interrupt, as you do most of the talking and they try to steer you to analyse how you expect to help yourself, but it ultimately is only you who can make any changes or how you perceive the problems.

Taking pills is not a stigma thing, and it's not a case or relying on them. They help to even out your rough times long enough for you to give your mind a rest and to be able to think straight. It's your choice, but I would say don't rule them out.
Best of luck.

[RFLH]

Taking pills isn't an option when you're drinking anyway - I tried that! Not a good idea.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/ you can do it online and they can help you with that far better than we can.

Counselling is good too as LS says - you're in control there and they do a great job although you may have to wait to see one.

Can I ask if you've been doing any other self harm?

[macdougal]

No RFLH. not doing anything else. the thoughts are there but im choosing the booze instead.
Im well aware of the problems i have. But its harder to deal with your own problems than other peoples.
I know it stems down to the fact that ive had a FA made against me but the reason im doing it is all my head. Its about accepting that this has happened to me and now I have to deal with life in the best way I can.
Unfortunately I've always felt like im in control of my life and right now I dont. Hence why I drink. Because it gives me my confidence back. It lets me be who I want to be. Though only for a few hours every couple of days.
Thats the demon I have to fight.
I dont need the alcohol. I just want to address the issue that alcohol, at this present moment, is the only thing thats making me feel normal again and i want to try other therapies before it does have a grip on me

[RFLH]

but its not though is it? The fact that you're posting is testimony to that.

You do need more help than I can give - I can only go by my experiences - done the drinking, done the self-harming, I'm now in counselling and awaiting to see a clinical psych. At one time I would have died from embarassment than have asked anyone for help, now I grab at it with both hands.

You know why you do it and you also realise that its not the answer - it won't make you normal - if anything its the reverse. It makes you into a person that you're not.

Have a look at the link for AA - that's where you'll find your answer.

[Rights Fighter]

Hi McDougal

if you are relying on alcohol then what is the problem with making use of anti-depressants instead of? There are a lot cheaper and do not put weight on - I know for a fact that wine makes my clothes shrink!

What you are feeling is perfectly normal for what you have been through. Drinking is a common short-term cure for it but as RFLH said: you are laying yourself open to false allegations if you are chatting women up - beer goggles and all that. If you do not ring them after taking their phone numbers while ever so slightly pis*ed, you could well have picked one who would feel "rejected" and hey presto you are back to square one with one allegation having been made against you to support the next one.

[viva]

hi mcdougal,
Ive read what ur going through and would just say im in exactly the same situation as you,
im beside myself with anger n every other emotion that at times im really really struggling and have sort help from my g.p too. ive not taken to the drink all the time but last wkend i got so drunk i ended up passing out n woke next morning in a strang house full of people. my main problem is my appitite is non existent.
i have got to a very low point n when things are bad there really bad and i cant believe im writing this but suicidal is how ive felt.
everyday is tougher than the 1 before and i cant see it getting any better.
its like were still being punished

[RFLH]

my heart goes out to both of you - cos I've walked in your shoes - for the same and different reasons.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to get the right help. Don't give up looking for it - keep going to the doctors until you get referred for the correct help.

Please don't think that its an easy thing to get over - because it isn't - its one step foreard, two back and dark and down days.

If you realise that, its half the battle - you assume that because its over life will be as before, it never will be and its a long road, but there is a destination that you'll get to.

As to the weight loss, small meals and often - every couple of hours.

You will find your peace.

[Saffron]

Hi MacDougal and Viva

I can't add anything to RFLH's excellent advice, but I wanted to say that I am thinking of you both. It's a long and tough journey (both RFLH and I are still on the road after all these years) but it does get easier.

Counselling helped me a little, but by far the best thing is physical activity...I cleaned the house till my fingers were worn to the bone. Do something that gives you an "end result"....wash the car and wax it; paint a room; weed the garden....that kind of thing. Then when you have finished you can look at it feel satisfied at a job well done.

With regard to food...I had the exact same problem. I just couldn't eat. Try buying some really good ready meals. These are perfect as you just bung them in the microwave and they are done. Or, Macdougal, get your daughter involved...ask her what she wants to cook and then let her "help" you. My kids love making homemade chicken nuggets and chips. And then of course I have to clear up the mess they leave behind....yet more activity therapy!

And for god's sake, stay away from women for a bit, unless, as LS says, it's in a sober environment where others are present. If you get pissed up and start talking to or kissing random women you could find yourselves in another FA situation, which, bearing in mind your previous arrest could well end up in charges.

Self harm is not an option. I was so furious when R did it, it was horrendous. In the end I told him that every time he did it, I would do it too. I carried out this threat twice before he finally stopped.

Thinking of you both