Counselling

[Notinmywildestnightmares]

Hi guys,

I’m pleased to say, as of yet, nothing has come from the ex’s allegations. And we have found a ‘working’ level to interact on - basically we say as little to one another as humanly possible. Not even a good morning. Which for me is really sad but necessary.

Anywhoo, on to this particular post.

I’m thinking of going for counselling. My initial plan was to wait until we sold the house we shared, give myself a month and see how I feel but I don’t think I can wait that long.
I’m a over thinker and the smallest of things can set it off, for example today I said a college if they could pass a message on for me. It was a quick thing as I walked past but I forgot to thank her for it. This played in my head for a good hour before I got time to go back and apologise and thank her for it. You could see the look on her face she must have thought I was a idiot but had I not it would have sat in there and I would have beaten myself up about it.
Also with all the stuff that’s gone on with the accusation I’m feeling completely empty.
Not ‘me’ at all. A lot of me is back - but mostly the worse of me. The suicidal parts, the self doubt, the confidence issues.
But worst of all for me is I used to be funny. Like a clown and I used to be able to talk to women and make them laugh. (Not getting over egotistic Or cocky at all) I’ve always enjoyed women’s company and enjoyed being around them.
I don’t know why it won’t come back. I know I’m a emotional train wreck (today I teetered on the edge of balling my eyes out for most of the day for no reason whatsoever) but see myself as a classic ‘diamond in the rough’ that if someone where to pick up and clean would find genuine descent human being.

So question. Has any guys specifically gone for counselling? Did they help rebuild you? Where you ever able to find your old self again?

Thanks.

[carrot tops]

My situation is different to yours as I am the mother of a son who was falsely accused by his adopted sister. It went to trial and he was found unanimously not guilty within an hour.

I went for counselling a few years after the not guilty verdict as I felt I had totally lost the person I was.
Even being the mother of someone accused of rape was shaming and stigmatising. I have always been the sort of person who didn’t care too much about what other people thought of me but I found I was constantly on edge around people. “What did they know? Did they believe son was guilty?” I’m naturally quite an open person, though introverted rather than extroverted and I felt completely unable to move into new platonic relationships under fear of what if they found out about the allegations.

I lost all faith in the police and social services. If a police car went past my heart would race. And this was just as the relative of the accused.

I am very in touch with my feelings and can normally work though them by writing them down and unravelling them.i am also pretty brave at facing emotional pain. I have worked as a counsellor and used a non directive approach and seen the benefits of that.

I got some counselling through a voluntary organisation . I had 10 one hour sessions . The good side was I was able to talk honestly without the police finding out and coming to lock me up!i had become so paranoid. It was good that the counsellor believed me and cared about me. The less good side was I think she so wanted to rescue me from my anguish- basically love for my daughter v love for my son and my failure to protect my son, that she kept pulling me back from going to my darkest place. I needed to to that to face the worst and survive and work though it. However the structure of counselling meant I gained enough courage to face the darkest place and steer the counselling a bit more in the direction I needed to go. It has helped a lot and I didn’t fall apart completely as I thought I would.

I do hope you find the help you need. It is so hard when allegations come from people you have been so close to

[Peter1975]

Many thanks to carrot tops for her considered and thoughtful post - it's always good to hear from old members.

NotInMyWildest seems to be already thinking some talking therapy might be beneficial - I know how difficult it can be to simply move on and forget and I also know that many have told me that such therapy has helped them get through a difficult time.

It can be difficult knowing who to talk to or who to trust.

My suggested starting point would be your local GP, I have heard nothing but good reports of MIND but I struggle to think of any other therapeutic organisations that have been recommended.

There is always the Samaritans ( Tel 116 123 ) if you just need someone to listen.

Never despair, In my time here, most have never been in court, some I have heard from to tell me that they are moving on and doing well and I always assume that those that simply disappear (roughly 90% ) have no further need for the groups or moral support and have already begun the process of healing and moving on.

Time is a great healer too but there is really no shame in asking for help to get you through a trying time.

The short answer: You WILL get through this eventually, believe me.

[Franticwithworry]

Hello, Notinmywildestnightmares. I can't add much to carrot tops' wise post except to add that if you've decided that it's worth trying counselling, it's much more likely than not to help you, but I would encourage you to shop around a bit if you don't 'click' with the first person you try. There are lots of different styles of counselling and as in any other relationship, you'll get on better with some people than others. If you don't find your first attempt helpful, it's worth trying again with someone else, just in the same was as in any GP practice, there will be some doctor(s) you prefer from others. You may benefit from CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to deal with the intrusive thoughts and some Person-Centered Counselling to help with the confidence issues, for example, and lots of counsellors will be able to offer both those and have other suggestions too.

To be honest, I think that there are very few people who can have these experiences and just move on and forget what happened to them, in the same way that we don't forget old loves or friends who have died. They become part of our past. We are all a sum of our experiences, and the task is to not let the negative things that happen to us overshadow our future. Most of us need help of some kind whether it comes from an understanding friend or a professional.

I can't say if it's helped me as we are still in the middle of all of this, (it has in the past for other things though), and it's my man who has been accused, not me, but I'm quite sure I'll need some help to deal with it all whatever the outcome. I hope someone who has been falsely accused will pop in and be able to tell you their experience of counselling, but if not, rest assured that it can help. It won't put the 'old' you back together because there is now a 'new' you with new experiences, but it can help you find the good bits of you that have got lost at the moment. :-)

[Peter1975]

Frantic adds her wise words as ever. Many thanks,

The one thing I will add as something I have thought of many times and struggled to put into words is that we must forgive ourselves.

We allowed these dreadful people into our lives to some degree, we failed to to foresee the harm and hurt they might bring our way.

It's in no way our fault and we should never hold ourselves to account for this.

A false accuser is damaged beyond our understanding, but perhaps not beyond our compassion.

We are better than them. We simply did not and could not see them coming.

we are not them

[carrot tops]

I think forgiveness is very key to healing but it can be so difficult.

Daughter has never shown any remorse over what she has done. In fact I think she may have even convinced herself that what she alleges happened did actually happen. I think she was more damaged than we knew when she came to live with us and we experienced bizarre behaviours which she didn’t always manifest in front of other people, to whom she appeared ‘normal’. I have never stopped loving her though I have been angry at what she has done. Maybe that love has made it easy for me to forgive her. However that forgiveness doesn’t mean I could ever let her back into my life. She is a loose cannon and I have no faith in the police or social services were she to make further allegations to investigate impartially.

The thing I have struggled with is forgiving police, justice system and social services. Their blind belief in what daughter said and their refusal to drop the criminal case has played a major part in ensuring that it is incredibly unlikely that daughter could ever be reconciled to us. I can only assume social workers didn’t question daughter as to whether her allegations were made because she was angry we put her back in to care. If they had and she had confessed to that maybe support could have been given to help her and the rest of our family with her problems. I find the whole notion of ‘ continuous review’ and 51% threshold laughable within the justice system. The reality seems to be once you’re charged there is no way the case is going to be dropped whatever evidence you present to the police.

A while back I decided I would forgive the two social workers that caused me so much pain. I pray for them ( not always easy), that God would bless them and that they will be good at their jobs. I try to imagine the pressures they are under and how difficult their jobs are. The raging anger at the injustice of it all is subsiding and I feel freer to move into the good things that are happening in my life.

The injustice can feel so personal at times and I’ve never been one to go with the “ there are many others worse off “ coping mechanism . I find that mechanism seems to be more about avoiding your own pain rather than facing and dealing with it. I do think many many people face injustice and pain in various ways and sadly this is part of life. Often people can rise above their awful experiences and be a help to those going through similar and when hat happens it is so inspiring and encouraging.

[carrot tops]

I realise I completely skipped over your point Peter about forgiving ourselves.

That is really hard.

In my own case I have tormented myself with
1. I should have seen this coming
2 My decision to adopt put our whole family at risk
3. I should have returned daughter to care earlier
4. I should have listened to my gut that things were really off with daughter instead of being flattered by social workers that we were doing great
5 I should have insisted on seeing all of daughters files and met more people involved with her before we legally adopted her.

I am not sure how much I have forgiven myself

[Notinmywildestnightmares]

Some really good reply’s here. Thanks to everyone.

I have to admit I never even thought about forgiving ourselves.
I think she had been very naive in what she’s done, and I have a big heart and a soft centre so know if forgive her easily but I also think the same as Carrot Tops in that I think she actually believes her own lies.

Peter you line of ‘we simply did not see them coming’ entirely true and resonated with me hard.

I had my first session yesterday and it went well. It was mainly a introduction but she sat me down and I just talked and talked and talked.
She’s identified the areas I need work and made up some bullet points which we are going to tackle.

In the car on the way there I was thinking about what we were going to cover and nearly burst into tears. Thinking I would be a blubbering wreak whilst here I was relieved to see a big box of tissues. But alas I was fine.
Once back in the car though I was exhausted - something to bear in mind for anyone looking at going. It mentally takes its toll and we’re not even in the nitty gritty yet.

[carrot tops]

Well done on getting through your first session. I know what you mean about feeling exhausted after a session. Hope you are able to plan your sessions so that you don’t have anything too demanding after each one.

My experience is that it often gets worse before it gets better, so be prepared to ride the storm if that is the case. Well done again and wishing you all the best

[Peter1975]

Just to echo Carrot Tops here, well done for taking your first steps.

I hope that you will soon feel the benefit and feel that you are making progress.

[Peter1975]

I realise I completely skipped over your point Peter about forgiving ourselves.

That is really hard.

In my own case I have tormented myself with
1. I should have seen this coming
2 My decision to adopt put our whole family at risk
3. I should have returned daughter to care earlier
4. I should have listened to my gut that things were really off with daughter instead of being flattered by social workers that we were doing great
5 I should have insisted on seeing all of daughters files and met more people involved with her before we legally adopted her.

I am not sure how much I have forgiven myself

When you write it all down Carrot Tops, blaming ourselves seems rather harsh don't you think? My point was that we may feel guilty or even partially responsible for what happened, but we mustn't. I tend to think there is a range of emotions here that the over thinkers amongst us should pay some attention to.

Here are some more;

If only I hadn't gone home with that girl that night

I should have seen that the relationship was toxic

I should have known what they were capable of

Even with the benefit of an accurate crystal ball, none of us could have acted any differently or been prepared for the nightmare of a false accusation.

We are not to blame. We just feel that way sometimes.

[Notinmywildestnightmares]

Wow ok well I wasn’t expecting this....

It seems the mental fight in my own head is on.
That’s how I see this. Like there’s two sides to my head. One side me, closer to the old me, calm, logical clear thinking. The other is the dark, overthinking, questioning, self doubting, broken side. Both are wrestling for control.
Since the false accusations the dark has dominated. Heart ruling head. Emotion clouding logic. Now I feel I have a path forward with the counselling my old self wants to fight back and it’s exhausting!
Probably not helped by the fact I am a natural over thinker and a Gemini to boot. 
I have tried wrestling back control constantly since but have failed (hence counselling) but now the turbulence seems to be ramping up daily!
My inner circle have suggested I go back earlier that 2 weeks but I’ve told them I am up for this fight. If I can make it to our scheduled appointment it’s a win for me and right now I’ll take every little win I can.

My first proper session is on the 4th and I can’t wait, I want to feel progress. I want to see the light. I’m done with this nightmare! I want to live again.....



.....and figure out how the hell I breach this with whomever comes into my life next.