Falsely Accused of CSA by Wife (for divorce) - Do I seek/maintain Child Contact hereafter?

[Mr B]

Good morning.

As per the title I have been accused (falsely) of CSA. We are divorcing & the CSA was used as a means to get me out of the house (without the cost of an Occupancy Order) & accrue an opportunity to go for conduct to achieve 100% award of all my financial assets IF I was convicted.

I have been NFA'd, but the divorce rumbles on. As we have a single child (5 years old) I am struggling with the idea of fighting for / maintaining contact with a very hostile STBX that will not allow me to see the youngster.

I am concerned that if I do maintain contact I will be subjected to HCSA claims or more current & false claims vs. if I do not maintain contact I loose all relationship with my child. Bit of a bind.

Thoughts welcome to give me a POV.

Mr B

[Franticwithworry]

This is a dreadful decision to have to make. Parental Alienation is a unique breed of evil.

If it were me, I would pursue things with Social Services and through the court and try to insist on mediation. Smaller children are harder to alienate than tweets or teens and the wishes of the child are taken into account. It's possible too, that a Social Worker or mediator can help your ex see and accept what is best for your daughter.

I would also keep every piece of correspondence, document every phone call and keep a diary of events. Then, if it becomes too costly and you have to withdraw, or even if you withdraw rather than see the situation visit more hurt and damage on your daughter, then you have the means to demonstrate to her in later years that you fought for her.

If the worst happens and you end up losing contact, I also suggest that you write to her regularly, even in a notebook, if you can't send physical letters, so that you can show her in future years that you were thinking of her. That is worst case scenario, but many alienated children look for the alienated patent eventually and restore contact for themselves.

There is a supportive Facebook closed group page for parents if you need it too.

Just my 2cents.

[Mr B]

Thank you FWW.

Social Services (where I live) have taken the wife's side. She is a Borderline & Narcissist Disordered Personality. Very striking, powerful & manipulative, just the character for SS to support.

So the Wife is cutting all attempts at contact, indirect / direct even cards sent via Solicitors have been ignored. Present had to be delivered & opened at school so they were not destroyed.

So it is fair to say that mediation with this Mother is not possible. 100% solicitor communication & intractable hostility.

The balance is, attempt contact (long painful risky (further FA of CSA) & expensive) or walk away. That simple.

This is not just a divorce, this is control over a child as well by using the FA of CSA. Carrying a Y chromosome means that I have no rights, yet my money is good enough. Familiar story.

I have joined the FB groups. Thank you for the pointers.

Is there a register for children to use to search for alienated parents?
I have created an email & FB account in the child's name (as a placeholder). Later on I will populate it so she knows it is her Dad.
Video diaries seem to work (or so I am told by the barrister) in case I am not around.

However I wonder what can be done to keep contact but keep me safe from another FA? I will have to live at least 3 hours away...as I can no longer afford to live in my home town.

Pondering...

Mr B

[Franticwithworry]

Oh dear goodness!! (Or rather, badness!)

Social Services have a lot to answer for. A solicitor would tell you if the court route would help and if a Court Welfare officer could/would be appointed. When I was dealing with court-mandated access, Court Welfare Officers were not part of Social Services and had a different remit. That might help you get fresh eyes on the situation.

Certainly dealing with a person like your ex is a nightmare of epic proportions and there isn't a great deal that a court will do to force a parent with physical custody of a child to comply with orders so far as I can tell, but having one is important.

So far as I know a 'Statement of Arrangements' has to be completed as part of the divorce proceedings, and if there is conflict in that area, solutions can be sought via the court. Judges don't always go along with Social Services recommendations, and Welfare Officers can be quite firm when it comes to advocating in the best interests of the child.

If you can get access court ordered, even if your ex doesn't comply, that would be something. Social workers may have their agendas and but swayed by tears and lies, but they aren't always the ones making the final decisions. I'm assuming that they haven't bothered to talk to you and have only taken your ex's word for everything.

PS I don't know of a register for alienated children, but your Facebook idea seems to be a really good one. And I know it's easy to get cynical but mothers get alienated too.

[Mr B]

FWW thank you for the suggestions.. Will discuss with solicitor.

SS did contact me in Jan 2016 - but they work closely with the Police & did not state the purpose of the call, & when challenged by me indicated anything I said to them could be used in a criminal enquiry, ultimately Crown Court I stopped the conversation. The call was essentially an interview WITHOUT caution.

Even looking at it now I think I made the right choice.

So I have missed the opportunity to partake in the child's single assessment. All would of taken is a single line by social services to add "evidence" to the case & I would be sunk. Hence I denied them the opportunity, & missed my opportunity to "contribute" to child's assessment.

Hell is the impossibility of reason (Acknowledgements to Platoon).

Kindest regards
Mr B

[Franticwithworry]

Yikes!! No wonder you ended the conversation.

It might be worth your while looking up the local Cafcass for your area and having a chat with them. I think you can explain things without giving personal and identifiable information to start with. It's the organisation that advocates for children in the court system these days; what I referred to earlier as Welfare officers. I couldn't think of the current, modern name when I replied earlier.

It can be a lottery, some officers seem to be very, very good and others not so much, but a good one can be excellent. You clearly have the ability to sniff out BS and hold it at arms length, so a chat with your solicitor and a sounding out of Cafcass might not go amiss. They have a website which is easy to navigate as it's designed for children too. (I don't mean to insult your intelligence here, but some government websites can be infuriatingly non-intuitive.)

Best wishes.

[Mr B]

Bit of an update. STBX has attempted & with Social Worker & Police involvement, executed a second statement & second ABE.

A second one! Well well. So far inconsistent evidence & no action taken.

To say SS & Police are independent would be an exaggeration I am sorry to say.

All for a house? Interesting that it is the same cast of characters as previously...
There have been some escapees from Jim Henderson's Creature Shop over the years by the look of it.