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We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I need a girl whose name doesn't end in .JPG
Realise the impotence of proof reading everything you publish.
You can't clear the swamp when you're up to your arse in alligators.
If you wish to convince people of something, it is more useful to be entertaining than to be right.
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
"Computer games don't effect kids... If Pacman affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music..."
A new study shows that frog licking can cause depression. As soon as you stop licking, the frog gets depressed.
At family weddings old aunts used to prod me saying "You're next." They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals
Never argue with an idiot, they will beat you with experience and only bring you down to their level.
You don't need to be a baker to put cream in a tart
Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.
You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.
Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.
With focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams. Like breaking a world record. Or growing their own breasts.
If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much f****d no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
As light travels faster than sound, some people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
On the road of life...There are 'windshields', and there are 'bugs'
(splat!)
I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good, either.
"To do is to be" - Socrates
"To be is to do" - Descartes
"Do be do be do" - Sinatra
A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
Never approach a helicopter until the pilot has signalled it's okay for you to do so. Stand in front of the helicopter, make eye contact, and wait for her to give you the signal.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I need a girl whose name doesn't end in .JPG
Realise the impotence of proof reading everything you publish.
You can't clear the swamp when you're up to your arse in alligators.
If you wish to convince people of something, it is more useful to be entertaining than to be right.
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
"Computer games don't effect kids... If Pacman affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music..."
A new study shows that frog licking can cause depression. As soon as you stop licking, the frog gets depressed.
At family weddings old aunts used to prod me saying "You're next." They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals
Never argue with an idiot, they will beat you with experience and only bring you down to their level.
You don't need to be a baker to put cream in a tart
Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.
You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.
Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.
With focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams. Like breaking a world record. Or growing their own breasts.
If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much f****d no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
As light travels faster than sound, some people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
On the road of life...There are 'windshields', and there are 'bugs'
(splat!)
I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good, either.
"To do is to be" - Socrates
"To be is to do" - Descartes
"Do be do be do" - Sinatra
A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
Never approach a helicopter until the pilot has signalled it's okay for you to do so. Stand in front of the helicopter, make eye contact, and wait for her to give you the signal.
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