Advice needed!

[Saffron]

Not sure if this is the "right" place for this, but...

I have a neighbour who works as a nursery teacher at my daughter's preschool. This neighbour is a very troubled young woman. She has a 6 year old daughter, and the two of them live alone. She suffers from MH problems, and frequently has panic attacks. These are quite disturbing to see, and the first time I witnessed one I thought she was having a heart attack and called an ambulance. She has often banged on our door in the wee small hours in floods of tears having a breakdown about something or another.

I think she tells quite a lot of lies...she contradicts herself a lot. (told me she was pregnant and having an abortion, when the day before she had been discussing her contraceptive implant...that kind of thing.) She is quite an attention-seeker, always ill, always having a crisis of some sort.

Anyway, she and I became friends of sorts, and would sit in the garden during the summer, sharing a bottle of wine, and chatting, etc. She is good company when she is not having a breakdown. It was all fine, although I have always felt there is something not right with her.

Last week when R was away on an overnight stay for his job, she rang me very late (about 11pm) and after chatting for a bit she told me that the preschool she works at (the one my daughter attends) had sent her on a child protection course. Apparently part of her job is now to look out for signs of abuse in the children she works with. Then she asked if she could borrow a bottle of wine and some cigarettes. She came over in her pjs and slippers, and I gave her a bottle of wine and a few cigarettes.

Two days later she walked in through my front door, which I had left unlocked. Didn't knock or anything, just came in. She was shaking and quite hyper. She talked again about the Child Protection course she had done and then she asked to borrow some money. I hate lending money to people, partly because I am broke myself, and partly because I am not very good at asking to have it back. And she still hadn't returned the bottle of wine I gave her. But I felt almost as though she was threatening me - that she could get me in a lot of trouble with SS if I didn;t lend her money/wine/cigarettes.

I know this sounds harsh, but her friendship is not that important to me. If she didn't live opposite my house I wouldn't make an effort to keep in touch with her. I feel co-erced into being friends with her. My children are the loves of my life, they are good, well-adjusted kids and I do everything in my power to make sure they are well and happy, so I know I have no reason to worry. But I feel threatened. Am I being paranoid? I have spoken to R about this, and he said I should cut all ties with her. However this is nigh-on impossible - she lives directly opposite us, she works at our daughter's preschool, and I can hardly turn her away when she arrives on the doorstep in the middle of the night in floods of tears.

Anyone got any advice?

[LS]

Hi Saffron
What an awful dilemma to be in. One comment you made leapt out at me:"But I feel threatened. Am I being paranoid?" If you feel threatened, then no, you are not being paranoid. If the woman's manner makes you feel threatened or uneasy, then clearly there's an issue which is not your imagination.

I tend to agree with your hubby, by trying to cut all ties with her. In the interim if she arrives, you are suddenly broke, there's no wine in the house, and you're out of cigarettes - put cigs out of sight.
I wouldn't be at all too happy to have my child looked after by someone with "issues" and I think if that happened to me I would probably have to confront the school. If I couldn't do that then I would probably look at putting her in a different one, just for peace of mind. After all, if it's pre-school, in no time she'll be going to infants/junior school anyway, so it shouldn't be too disruptive for her.
Although you're confident you have nothing to be concerned about, it's peace of mind you need, and no SS visitors.
What does worry me though, is if this woman attention-seeks, will she "see" abuse that's non-existent, and miss genuine abuse cases? I think I'd want someone bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to be the one to check for signs, if I was employing them.
I'm sorry I can't give more helpful advice.
LS

[Saffron]

Cheers LS

R said that if this continues we should have a word with the preschool about her. The problem is that initially she comes across as very credible - fun, outgoing and kind. The kids all adore her, my daughter particularly. She has only been working at the preschool since October last year, so they are probably still in their "honeymoon period" with her. I have known her for four years now. At first I really enjoyed her company and we had a good laugh together. It was only after a while that the breakdowns, crises and such began to manifest themselves. She is Polish and has no family here. Over the 4 years I have known her she has been engaged three times to 3 different people. She is always the "victim" of something...an illness, something has been stolen, someone is stalking her, her drink was spiked, boyfriend is being horrible to her, etc. She even managed to set her house on fire just before Christmas. (apparently a candle fell over and set light to the curtains). Last month she was ambulanced to hospital after falling over and cracking her head.

Oh, I don't know. I want her to move away!

[LS]

Yes, that'd be the ideal outcome! My ex-partner's family were like that - not happy unless there was a crisis going on, and if there wasn't one they'd create one. Again I agree with R - if the school knew all of this, would they really employ her, and put her in such a powerful position? That's what I meant by confronting the school, altho confront is probably too strong a word.
There are 2 main dilemmas here: what to do about her visiting, and your concerns about your daughter. With the visiting, you can be "out" of whatever she wants to borrow, and as far as she's concerned you're trying to give up smoking. By putting these things out of sight she'll realise there's nothing there for her and hopefully she'll stop coming.
Regarding the school bits, you can either put all the info on the table for the school and suggest they either move her to a less-responsible role, or you could move your daughter, or you could take a risk and hope she doesn't imagine something but deal with it if it comes to it. After all, you've got quite a bit of information on her behaviour to pass over to the school or SS, should the need arise.
LS

[RFLH]

I agree with the others - be firm but polite the time she comes on the scrounge, its not borrowing.

if she's that disturbed the next person she accuses could be you or R - and we know what heppens then. If you have any fears about her child I'd be inclined to give the nod to both school and SS - from what you've said its only a matter of time until and accident turns into a tragedy.

Perhaps all she needs is for them to put her onto the right path of help - I've heard they can be quite good at that!!

She isn't a friend - she's a liabilty and one you can do without.

[LS]

Very wise words, RFLH, especially that last sentence.

[Saffron]

R won't be left alone with her for the very reason that he is scared she could make an accusation against him. My son doesn't like her because he thinks she fancies his dad.

But now I feel bad because she has just popped over to see me with a bunch of flowers for me. Apparently they were given to her by an unwelcome admirer. And she has given me a pile of her daughter's outgrown clothes for my daughter.

[LS]

Saff, in other areas that would be seen as grooming. All I would say is to remain level-headed and reread your first post later. It concerned you enough to write it down and see how you feel later on.

[Saffron]

Hmm. You are right. She is giving me things to make me like her, and so that I feel as if I owe her a favour.
I think the simplest thing would be to make sure I have "run out" of whatever she wants.
With regard to the preschool....my daughter is very happy there, so I am reluctant to move her. Plus she will be starting infants school in September anyway. There are lots of other staff there, and at Parent's Evening her keyworker (who is not my neighbour) said that she was an exceptionally bright, happy child. So I think I will just sit tight for the time being and see what happens. I think that if I feel threatened again I will have a quiet word with the manager of the preschool.

thanks for the advice chaps!

[LS]

No problem. I think your course of action is right. The main thing is that at least you know it's not you being paranoid!

[RFLH]

That sounds very familiar to me - you know my backstory Saffron - some people think that they can buy friendship/love.

You can see this - wish mine could have done!!

[Saffron]

I think I am just a suspicious old hag. Learned the hard way!

[RFLH]

not at all - sensible - you don't know the state of this womans mind - she could say anything and cause so much heartache to you or anyone else she comes into contact with.

I'd avoid her the best you can.

[friday]

wow, thats quite a situation. i have no advice but i am reading and hoping you can resolve this with as little hassle as possible.
x

[Rights Fighter]

My concern is that she might make false allegations regarding your children if you don't continue with this "friendship".

In contested sex cases we often see the accuser telling another person about the alleged abuse and they become principle prosecution witnesses.

You need to tell one or two people with "high standing" in the community what is going on, and your fears. Then if she decides to make false allegations of any sort that lead you into a court room you will have witnesses to testify that this has been an ongoing process of harassment - because that is what this is if it is unwelcome.

You do not have to answer the door at 11pm to her. It's difficult I know because I used to have nuisances like that calling at all hours. Ignore their calls or knocks on the door and if they continue tell her you have a life of your own and she must go home. If she does not say firmly "sorry but this cannot keep happening. If you don't stop the noise and go home then I will have no choice but to call the police".

You cannot live like this.