looking *him* up online

[friday]

why oh why did i do it? it's not like he is going to have written a confession that i can take to the police and even if he had its not like i can even read what he has written cos i'm not exactly going to add him online. i want to see him miserable and unable to live knowing what he has done but instead i see him smiling and it tears me up.
i try to believe that i am so much better than him cos i am still here despite what he has done and i tell myself that he is not human because he shows no remorse but i'm not sure how much longer i can keep telling myself that. i know that a lot of the reason behind some of my behaviours is him so he is still winning.
when i was at court a friend of a friend added him on a social networking site so that they could find out where he was living/working so i could avoid those places. he ended up basically demanding they found him a woman and really freaking this person out. he is not a normal person, quite obviously, why couldn't the jury see this?
i want him to suffer for his actions, not me. he skipped bail and was missing for quite a while and was only caught when he was buying cannabis in the area his bail conditions stated he was not allowed in. why was he only remanded in custody for 6 weeks? if someone skips bail they should be remanded until their trial, they forfeit the right to bail when they intentionally go against their bail conditions.
sorry for the rant. i don't know whats wrong with me. i think the nightmares are getting to me. and if i'm right it is a year since the second trial. i hadn't really thought about that until just now but perhaps subconsciously i knew.
i have always said that i do not hate, only pity him. not so sure anymore.

[RFLH]

Friday I think we all do it - I know I have. I always end up hating myself more than them for caving in to temptation.

They're moving on with their lives the same as us, it seems that we lag behind in the past more than they do.

I think I've gone through a sort of grieving loss - the sheer blind hatred has gone - which I'm glad for cos that only causes harm to yourself, it has no effect on them and they'd be so pleased if they realise that.

To hate you have to care - and I really don't care anymore.

Don't pick the scab sweetie, it leaves a scar.

[Saffron]

Good analogy, RFLH.

Friday, I do this every day. I google her daily, it's part of my routine. I see photos of her at various fashion shows, i look in the glossy mags to see which photo shoots she has "styled" (Wayne & Colleen, the coronation street lot, etc etc) and I have even watched a local telly interview of her explaining how to become a fashion stylist. It actually makes me feel physically sick to see her so happy and successful - I want her to suffer like me and R have suffered. I know it's not healthy to do it, but it's a bit like a car crash - you *know* you shouldn't look, but somehow you are drawn to it. At least she' not on Facebook any more, with her list of friends including Peter Stringfellow (seriously!! eurgh) and Gary Barlow, so I can't look her up there and get angry. I comfort myself with the knowledge that looking happy isn;t the same as actually being happy.

RFLH is right, to hate him you have to care. I know you do care about what he did to you, but I know you don't care about him.

Take a deep breath and push it to one side in your head. He might look happy, but I bet he isn't deep down. xx

[friday]

thanks rflh and saffron. at least i don't feel quite as stupid for doing it knowing i am not alone. i know that hating him won't solve anything. perhaps i'm just hating him so i stop hating myself for my naivety that put me in a situation where i was vulnerable.
i can't get what he said in court out of my head. i didn't listen to his evidence so the only thing i heard him say was "i trust that justice will be done". how the hell could he say that knowing what he had done?
i need to stop ranting. i know it won't get me anywhere. i have more important things to do than obsess over him. and the ironic thing is his defence was that i was some crazy stalker (despite the fact i could prove i was unable to have stalked him cos i was in hospital) and now i am becoming that because i am looking him up online.

[Saffron]

now that's twisted!
Yes, you need to stop obsessing about him. But at the same time you feel compelled to do it. Vicious circle, eh?

But look at where you are now - starting university! Bet you thought that wouldn't be possible a while ago. Sometimes you need to look back to see how far you have come x

[RFLH]

Friday you're an inspiration - I know you can't see that, but we can. You have actually come on leaps and bounds despite all the setbacks you've had, but just look at you now. And still you help others.

You are a brave and clever woman and I'm proud to know you.

[Saffron]

I absolutely agree with RFLH. I wish I'd have had half your resolve and determination when I was starting Uni. As it was, I pissed the opportunity up the wall, and spent three years going off the rails.

So yes, I think you have come a very very long way. Might not feel like it. But like I said, glance over your shoulder and you'll see how very far you really have come. I have no right to be proud of you but I am certainly privileged to "know" you!

[friday]

i spent my a level years drinking my life savings so don't fancy repeating that! i think people who have left home before they start uni have an advantage in that they are used to their new found "freedom" and have (hopefully) started to understand the importance of limiting their drinking sessions to nights when they do not have to be up early or have important things to do the next day.

[friday]

and i have done it AGAIN!
only this time i found a quote he had said to a local newspaper about derelict buildings and how there were crackheads and drunks next to where he works. the crackheads and drunks are a million times better people than he is. how can he even begin to judge them?! and to top it all he used a number of big words (unless the reporter changed them, which is possible), so much for him being unable to speak english!
i'm so stupid. i know it will drive me insane yet every now and again i still look him up online. mainly hoping to see a local newspaper report saying he has been arrested for drugs or something in the hope he will get convicted for something (would never want to read he had repeated rape, though i suspect he has).
i can't even blame it on being a day that has any significance like a year since court or x years since it happened... hate is more than he deserve but i do hate him so much it scares me. and i keep thinking that i feel much more normal than i have in a long time and yet it never goes away for long.
i think i may have realised what set me off tonight...i was watching misfits on e4 and one of the characters has the power to make anyone want to sleep with her if they touch her so because they touch her she can't stop them, she keeps telling them to get off her but its like they are possessed. that shook me up a fair bit, ok, a hell of a lot, but i shouldn't react like this. this just makes it worse. (btw its a good program if you get chance to see it, but its hardly a heavy drama, i didnt expect that).

[RFLH]

Friday, you've got to try and let it go otherwise you're going to end up in the same state as me and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

At the moment I'm teetering on the brink and to be honest I'm not sure which way I shall fall. I'm trying my best to fight it but its so hard. Please, please go and get help. I've just started on the first step and know it's going to be so hard and may take years. But I owe it to myself and those I love to do this.

I hope this makes sense.

[friday]

i'm lucky cos i do have help. i have a therapist i have been seeing for over 2 years but when i am struggling most i miss appointments cos i struggle to even get there. it was meant to be ending about now but she has extended it a bit as she doesnt think its the right time but she won't be around for ever. long-term therapy isn't cheap for the nhs so not many people even get it (as well as the fact they don't think everyone is suited to it).
got to keep focusing on the important things in life like my education. i can't let him mess that up. though i never seem able to escape it. i have to participate in research as part of my degree and things like questions about nightmares relating to traumatic events come up in questionairres about sleep . although i know what the studies are about i don't know what questions will be asked so i can't avoid them.
rflh-so glad to hear you are getting the help you need. and yes it will take time but it has already taken time just survivng so what does a bit more time matter if it will help you to start living again.

[Saffron]

It's good to hear you sounding more positive, Friday. You are right, you can't let him mess up your education, otherwise he will have taken everything from you. Hold on to that thought! You are doing really well.

RFLH, I hope you are OK. I am sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts. (((hugs)))

[sammy64]

jeanette...advertising...

I received private message from "jeanette" and i think she is just advertising...how nasty...!

[Saffron]

Sammy, just to let you know that Webmaster has dealt with this. Thanks for reporting it.
I hope you are feeling stronger now. Remember you are not alone, we are all here for you.
Saffron

[sammy64]

Thanks

Thanks for reply...The Haven and police are still .. .mucking about, dont know anything...etc...Im so fed up..