probably a uselss post but i have moved!

[friday]

after breaking up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago i became homeless once again (i'd been temporarily living with him whislt i tried to find somewhere). the break up was obviously stressful, as was the fear of having nowhere to stay (the first time i became homeless it took 3 months for the council to find me emergency accomodation and after i had to leave the last hostel cos of the polices concerns for my safety they did nothing) but now i'm in a new hostel, away from the guy who raped me. no self harm despite the situation which is really an achievement.

the hostel is a dump but at least i can make my room nice and the area is lovely. i'm in one of the rooms for vulnerable people which is nearer the office so i feel a bit safer. obviously i'd rather not live in a hostel full of people with drug problems etc but i'm not really in a position to complain. its a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on.

[Saffron]

Hi Friday
Glad to hear you have found somewhere safe. And well done on not harming - that is a dangerous and addictive spiral, so it's great that you have held on!
Nice to have you back, BTW.
S xx

[RFLH]

Hi Friday, good to see you posting again.

[littlemoo]

glad you've found somewhere safer. It's always nice when you can make someone your own, even if it's only to stick a few pictures on the wall.
Jo

[friday]

ive stuck up loads of comic strips from nemi (the goth girl comic in the metro newspaper). she is me. its really quite scary. ive been cutting them out of the papers for years but now the internet means its much easier.

i get to annoy my neighbours who all play r'n'b etc by playing metal/rock/punk etc but what prob annoys them even more is me playing classical clarinet (not very well anymore!)

i shouldnt moan but its simple things like not having any curtains (or a curtain rail) on my window, no bath plug in the bath and the general lack of organisation in the place that drive me insane.

anyway i should get offline and get ready to go out in my big scary 4" heeled knee high boots. well, the security can't say i don't make their evenings at least a bit more interesting...

[friday]

And well done on not harming - that is a dangerous and addictive spiral

i know all too well....can't go back to those times...when i look back i feel so ashamed. i was like a drug addict. even down to things like doing it in public toilets so i could get to hospital in time...its been a few months since the last time, and 9 months between then and the time before so i am getting there. its not easy to give up something you've been doing for this long but 9 years is long enough. can't make it 10 years cos that would be a decade (and half my life). scary thought.

[Saffron]

Friday, my husband was harming for a while. He would do it whenever he got upset or angry about anything. It made him feel better, as though by spilling his own blood he was somehow cleansing himself. I used to wake up and find blood on our bedsheets, our sofa, our teatowels. It was frightening and very scary. In the end I told him that every time he harmed, I would too. He didn't believe me at first. So the next time he did it, I did it too. I cut my left calf four times with a craft knife. He has only done it once since then, and true to my word I did it too. (my left arm that time).
I didn't want to to do it, but I couldn't think of any other way to make him understand how distressing it was for me to see the wounds and feel so powerless.
You shouldn't feel ashamed of harming. It's a symptom of huge emotional distress. The massive step you have taken is that you acknowledge that it is totally destructive, doesn't alleviate anything and that it is an addiction. Well done.

[Saffron]

BTW, you can get books of Nemi: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nemi-v-1-Lis...pr_product_top

[friday]

^i already have the first two. will have to look at the link to see if their is a third book out.

its so unnerving reading them though, i feel like someone has been spying on me. ive even been tempted to get a tattoo of her but i don't think i'm brave enough plus i will have to think about it for at least 5 years to be sure. ive been considering getting one saying Lev 19:28 for 3 years but still not sure. Lev 19:28 says "do not cut your bodies for the dead or mark yourself with tattoos". it has double meaning a) don't punish yourself for what you cannot change or are not responsible for b) an ironic statement ("do not mark yourself with tattoos" but it would be a tattoo)

[friday]

just pre-ordered the third volume

[RFLH]

that'll keep you quiet!!

I don't seem to get enough time to sit and read - not sure what I do do to be honest. No sooner have I got up and its time to back to bed. I achieve very little, but not to worry.

[friday]

ive lost the plot a little so i currently am nocturnal. hence, havent slept yet. ive found that actually their isnt a lot to do. i have listened to approx 50 cds in a week (some multiple times), taken random quizzes on facebook that have told me i am a tiger, sweeney todd and have a personality like acid, eaten god doesnt even want to know how many tubs of vegan ice-cream, sent 42 messages to a fellow insomniac, looked through hundreds of items of clothing on ebay (but havent found a thing i REALLY want), suprised my mum by replying to message at 8am but she stopped being suprised when she realised i hadn't slept (this is actually one of the comic strips in nemi), planned a night out that will not work unless i sleep, smoked a lot of cigarettes.....there really was no point.

and when i actually did venture out in the daytime....the doctors was shut!

oh the joys of being on holiday!

[RFLH]

Living an upside down life is no fun is it? I had a spell of that and time drags doesn't it? The tv is dire but I did get reading done then.

Will you be able to right yourself to sleep at the proper time soon do you think?

I do hope you're not reading this, if so - GO TO SLEEP!!

[friday]

i am. but some **** has seriously hit the fan so wont be sleeping til thats sorted. or if not sorted, then over. seriously over.

[RFLH]

I hope you get that sorted soon and it doesn't stress you out too much. I shall be sending you positive vibes.