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Everyone here can relate to the trauma associated with a false sexual assault/rape allegation. In many ways, I think this experience is even more traumatic than dealing with the death of a loved one (not as sad, but definitely more traumatic). In the latter case, you receive universal support as people empathetically rally around you. In the case of a false allegation, by contrast, aside from the support of a few close friends, you’re essentially suffering in your own private hell – constantly wondering who knows what and paranoid about what people think of you. Then, of course, there’s the worry that you might wind up rotting in jail!
In light of this, I thought it might be useful to start a thread where we share emotional and psychological coping strategies. Here’s what worked for me. Some of the advice might be trite or obvious; others may be able to make more novel contributions.
1. Spend time with supportive friends. I was very lucky in this respect. Attend shows, sporting events, etc with them (in other words, let them help distract you). Use them as a sounding board to vent your anger toward your situation and your accuser.
2. Keep busy. If possible, throw yourself into your work; clean your house as though you’re vying for the cover of Better Homes and Gardens Magazine. Feeling productive distracts from your situation and helps give you a sense of control over your life.
3. Exercise. You’ll feel an overwhelming anger at times, but will feel frustrated by the fact that you have no place to vent this anger productively. Exercise can be a way of releasing that frustration in a healthy way.
4. Get therapy. It helps to talk with someone who can put your experience in perspective and strengthen your capacity to cope.
5. When interacting with others, particularly with people you suspect might know, pretend as though nothing is wrong and be as charming and pleasant as possible (without overdoing it!). Try to exude confidence and positive energy – as difficult as this may be under the circumstances. Behave in a way that would make it hard for someone to believe that you would ever commit the sort of act of which you’ve been accused. This was hard for me as it seemed so forced, but I continue to do my best with it. This is a strategy a psychologist suggested.
This is another strategy for regaining control over your life. While you ultimately can’t control what people think of you, you can control and manage the image you present to others.
6. Stop worrying about what other people think. This is easier said than done, but you have no choice. As pointed out in point #5, you can control how you present yourself to others, but you can’t control what’s going on in their heads. As my psychologist advised me, in some cases, you simply have to give others permission to not like you. You have good friends who are on your side; treasure them.
7. Take pride in the fact that you are managing to endure and survive a horrible ordeal to which few can relate. It takes real strength of character to survive what we’ve all been through, and even though we’re not at liberty to brag about it as we would if we were, say, cancer survivors, we still have reason to be damn proud. Don’t ever forget that!
I’m in the fortunate position of having been cleared of the allegation without charges having been laid. Still, concern for my reputation and a lingering anger remain. I feel like a fish that has been caught, pulled out of my natural habitat, and thrown back. My reputation has been damaged, I was put through sheer hell, and then thrown back into my regular routine with no real closure to this horrible experience. My psychologist has suggested the following strategies to help achieve this closure:
1. Writing an angry letter to my accuser and then burning it (thereby bringing symbolic closure to the ordeal);
2. When driving, whenever I reach a stop sign or intersection, let out an angry scream and loudly curse my accuser like there’s no tomorrow. (Needless to say, this is only recommended when driving on lonely roads when the windows are rolled up! lol)
I haven’t tried these suggestions, but I couldn’t see them helping much. My closure strategy is to continue with steps 1 – 7, and try my best to keep from dwelling on this ordeal.
If anyone has other suggestions on coping, reputation-rebuilding, and achieving closure, I’d love to hear them.
In light of this, I thought it might be useful to start a thread where we share emotional and psychological coping strategies. Here’s what worked for me. Some of the advice might be trite or obvious; others may be able to make more novel contributions.
1. Spend time with supportive friends. I was very lucky in this respect. Attend shows, sporting events, etc with them (in other words, let them help distract you). Use them as a sounding board to vent your anger toward your situation and your accuser.
2. Keep busy. If possible, throw yourself into your work; clean your house as though you’re vying for the cover of Better Homes and Gardens Magazine. Feeling productive distracts from your situation and helps give you a sense of control over your life.
3. Exercise. You’ll feel an overwhelming anger at times, but will feel frustrated by the fact that you have no place to vent this anger productively. Exercise can be a way of releasing that frustration in a healthy way.
4. Get therapy. It helps to talk with someone who can put your experience in perspective and strengthen your capacity to cope.
5. When interacting with others, particularly with people you suspect might know, pretend as though nothing is wrong and be as charming and pleasant as possible (without overdoing it!). Try to exude confidence and positive energy – as difficult as this may be under the circumstances. Behave in a way that would make it hard for someone to believe that you would ever commit the sort of act of which you’ve been accused. This was hard for me as it seemed so forced, but I continue to do my best with it. This is a strategy a psychologist suggested.
This is another strategy for regaining control over your life. While you ultimately can’t control what people think of you, you can control and manage the image you present to others.
6. Stop worrying about what other people think. This is easier said than done, but you have no choice. As pointed out in point #5, you can control how you present yourself to others, but you can’t control what’s going on in their heads. As my psychologist advised me, in some cases, you simply have to give others permission to not like you. You have good friends who are on your side; treasure them.
7. Take pride in the fact that you are managing to endure and survive a horrible ordeal to which few can relate. It takes real strength of character to survive what we’ve all been through, and even though we’re not at liberty to brag about it as we would if we were, say, cancer survivors, we still have reason to be damn proud. Don’t ever forget that!
I’m in the fortunate position of having been cleared of the allegation without charges having been laid. Still, concern for my reputation and a lingering anger remain. I feel like a fish that has been caught, pulled out of my natural habitat, and thrown back. My reputation has been damaged, I was put through sheer hell, and then thrown back into my regular routine with no real closure to this horrible experience. My psychologist has suggested the following strategies to help achieve this closure:
1. Writing an angry letter to my accuser and then burning it (thereby bringing symbolic closure to the ordeal);
2. When driving, whenever I reach a stop sign or intersection, let out an angry scream and loudly curse my accuser like there’s no tomorrow. (Needless to say, this is only recommended when driving on lonely roads when the windows are rolled up! lol)
I haven’t tried these suggestions, but I couldn’t see them helping much. My closure strategy is to continue with steps 1 – 7, and try my best to keep from dwelling on this ordeal.
If anyone has other suggestions on coping, reputation-rebuilding, and achieving closure, I’d love to hear them.
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